We are now trying to find freedom in the prisons we longed to leave. Our homes in which we lay yet longed for another The separation has begun but are separating from the right person?only time will tell . All I know is I love you and want to be supportive even if it hurts to tell you good bye. All I can imagine right now is the blue dragonfly that danced among us in the park expressing soulful depth in our live. The fingertips which elevated us to a high on a random Tuesday. The fireworks exploding a top lone mountain shouting love has been found. And the multitudes of pigeons representing the love of someone who had passed showing the love we longed for. But now we say good bye and I wish you well in finding your destiny. Like the roots of the trees from centuries past our love lives in the souls of the earth. Fly my love fly and may our wings flitter together in another life. My penguin.

Karma

Really - what the fuck did you mean by that? The only lying and living a lie has to do with me - so you are inadvertantly blaming me for the karma in your life? we are a lie? the love was a lie - you think God works that way? You have no idea how that hurt me. Ask your therapist about that? What happened and what you said to me - about Karma....you really feel like the lies you have are not related to me? No you know its me....you are relating your Karma bad to the lies with me which in turn has to do with Betty and now your dad getting sick? I hate you feel that way. I hope you know God doesnt work that way. If you really feel that way, then I guess you have no other choice but to completely stop any contact with me because I am the cause of anything that could be bad in your life - how could you love someone if you feel that they cause your life nothing but bad life. I am so sorry about your dad...and I believe everything is going to be ok and I will pray for him. I just wish you never said that to me without explanation because all I can do is make my own conclusion and with the conclusion I have come to by that statement hurts me more than anything you have said to this point in our lives and I cant be in the life of anyone that feels that I am the cause of your bad karma...when we have hidden our love - i never felt that it was a lie becuase of the "magic" we felt - it was all my imagination and yours as well for you to now call it your "karma" for the bad things in your life. I dont think I can forgive you if thats what you are saying and in that case I have no choice but to let you go live a happy truthful life because I love you and would never want to be the cause of your dismay and bad karma - thats not love. WOW Do you have any idea what you said and how that came off honestly?????? Dagger to my fucking soul and a a huge fucking bomb to what we shared - its as if it was all for nothing - and you have always viewed US as the reason for any mishaps in your life.....how could you say you love someone and feel that way? I feel like I am going to throw up and want to take back everything that we ever shared for you to feel I am the cause of any of the people you loves ill happenings. WOW I have no words right now to even convey the disgust I feel from your statement - inadvertantly blaming me - wtf You really should think before you speak your words have destroyed any future I ever thought we could be - because in the back of my mind and depth of my soul any life we may have ever chosen to live together as "one" I will always feel like you blame me for anything wrong in your life as your QUOTE un QUOTE Karma...think about that. You should really try to explain - or seriously just never contact me again.... I will always love you but I cant be loved by someone that internally blames me for any future things that happen bad in their life - Life is just that - good, bad, beautiful, sad but sometimes magical...and provides a love that reigns supreme and I dont believe a Love that Reigns Supreme could ever be "bad" "Karma" - in my opinion maybe we dont share the same soul because by that statement I am bewildered and cannot even fathom - implying such a thing to my so - called "soul mate" I am very very confused and hurt that you would even think such a thing....it shows how much you do not have regard for who you say I was in your life - "true love" Whoa ------ God save me right now - I am so so so so in shock and disbelief. Maybe it was my interpretation - but you not explaining ---- makes me have no choice to hear it as you said it/

Questions to ask yourself when trying to find your passion

1.Whats important to you? (not just right now? – but in general important to you?) 2. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? 3. What do you love about yourself? (the things we love about ourselves hold clues to what we can do to serve other people or serve ourselves) 4. What would you do if money was not a concern in your life? 5. What do you fantasize about while driving in the car that you never want to tell anyone about? 6. What would you regret not having done if your life was ending? (anytime you are considering doing anything new in your life this is a question you should ask yourself, on your deathbed, would you regret or not regret having done this? usually the things you are the things you feel afraid of and excited about are the very things you would regret, which is a signal that it is time to move forward and not let fear stop you) – We need to be able to move through fear in order to discover the things we are passion about

Letting Go...

When a relationship ends, it’s tempting to dwell on what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This might seem productive—like you can somehow change things by rehashing it. You can’t. All dwelling does is cause you to suffer. When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull yourself into the moment. Focus on the good things in your current situation: the friends who are there for you and the lessons you’ve learned that will help you with future relationships. It might help to tell your friends to only let you vent for 10 minutes at a time. That way you’re free to express your feelings, but not drown in them. 2. Work on forgiving yourself. You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life, and if only you didn’t do it you wouldn’t be in pain right now. Don’t go down that road—there’s nothing good down there! Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human. You’re entitled to make mistakes; everyone does. And you will learn from them and use those lessons to improve your life. Also, keep in mind: if you want to feel love again in the future, the first step is to prepare yourself to give and receive it. You can only do that if you feel love toward yourself; and that means forgiving yourself. 3. Don’t think about any time as lost. If I looked at that unhealthy relationship or the following decade as time lost, I’d underestimate all the amazing things I did in that time. True, I was single throughout my 20s, but that made it easier to travel and devote myself to different passions. If you’ve been clinging to the past for a while and now feel you’ve missed out, shift the focus to everything you’ve gained. Maybe you’ve built great friendships or made great progress in your career. When you focus on the positive, it’s easier to move on because you’ll feel empowered and not victimized (by your ex, by yourself, or by time.) Whatever happened in the past, it prepared you for now—and now is full of opportunities for growth, peace, and happiness. 4. Remember the bad as well as the good. Brain scientists suggest nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief”—a persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest this is a biological occurrence; that the longing can have an addictive quality to it, actually rooted in our brain chemistry. As a result, we tend to remember everything with reverie, as if it was all sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you weren’t. In all reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes. Remember them now. As I mentioned in the post 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain, it’s easier to let go of a human than a hero. 5. Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship. Unless you hop from relationship to relationship, odds are you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this one. You were strong, satisfied and happy—at least on the whole. Remember that person now. Reconnect with any people or interests that may have received less attention while you were attached. The strong, happy, passionate person you were attracted your ex. That person will get you through this loss and attract someone equally amazing in the future when the time is right. Not a sad, depressed, guilt-ridden person clutching to what once was. If you can’t remember who you are, get to know yourself now. What do you love about life? 6. Create separation. Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again. It’s helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and happiness—whatever that may look like. You will know love again. You won’t spend the rest of your life alone. In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships—if you forgive yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is. 7. Let yourself feel. Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process. First you’re shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s over and you hold out hope. Next you feel hurt and guilty. You should have done things differently. If you did you wouldn’t be in this pain. Then you feel angry and maybe even start bargaining. It would be different if you gave it a second go. You wouldn’t be so insecure, defensive, or demanding. Then you might feel depressed and lonely as it hits you how much you’ve lost. Eventually you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future. You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster. For example, if you’re dwelling in guilt, make forgiving yourself a daily practice. Read books on it, meditate about it or write about it in a journal. 8. Remember the benefits of moving on. When you let go, you give yourself peace. Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsess—it’s all an exercise in suffering. The only way to feel peace is to quiet the thoughts that threaten it. Letting go opens you up to new possibilities. When you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else. If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water, you wouldn’t be able to give anything other than that bucket, or grab anything else that came your way. You might even struggle breathing because you’re clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort. You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share joy to feel joy. It’s only possible if you’re open and receptive. 9. Recognize and replace fearful thoughts. When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative. You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts because they become habitual. Some examples include: I’ll never feel loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless. Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it. 10. Embrace impermanence. Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course. The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as a life unto itself. Appreciate the people in front of you as if it were their last day on earth. Find little things to gain in every moment instead of dwelling on what you lost. When I feel like clinging to experiences and people, I remind myself the unknown can be a curse or an adventure. It’s up to me whether or not I’m strong and positive enough to see it as the latter. – It took me eight years to work through my feelings about relationships and letting go; but I am happy to report I am 15 months into a healthy relationship, standing firmly on my own two feet. In fact, last night he flew from California to Boston, where I’ve been visiting for the last two weeks, to spend time with me and my family. I don’t regret the time when I was single, but I know now I could have hurt less and created even more possibilities for myself if I put more effort into completely letting go. I hope you’ll make that choice.

Without A Trace

And so the cycle and downturn begins again Remnants of your fingertips imprinted on my skin The wallowing inside hollowing out the weekend Sheets between our naked bodies has come to beacon I lay in the night waiting for your text I hear nothing from you as if it was shallow sex Your eyes spoke differently your hands with love so pure But after you leave without a trace I begin to feel insecure I ask you to see me as I sit all alone You reply it's too hard and don't pick up the phone So I ponder how in one moment we sink into this hole Is it the guilt constricting our love that has once our goal? You shut down I break open you don't say a word and remain unspoken From open to closed in just a few hours Forgetting our moments our beautiful showers Laying side by side juices combined Now feeling so alone my love is confined You don't hear what I say nor do you want to see my face A love so loud now gone without a trace

Without a Trace

And so the cycle and downturn begins again Remnants of your fingertips imprinted on my skin The wallowing inside hollowing out the weekend Sheets between our naked bodies has come to beacon I lay in the night waiting for your text I hear nothing from you as if it was shallow sex Your eyes spoke differently your hands with love so pure But after you leave without a trace I begin to feel insecure I ask you to see me as I sit all alone  You reply it's too hard and don't pick up the phone So I ponder how in one moment we sink into this hole Is it the guilt constricting our love that has once our goal? You shut down I break open you don't say a word and remain unspoken From open to closed in just a few hours Forgetting our moments our beautiful showers Laying side by side juices combined Now feeling so alone my love is confined You don't hear what I say nor do you want to see my face A love so loud now gone without a trace 

Wheres love?

I can only imagine why you didn't call text or blog me tonight  I'm sure you've gone into shut down mode  And I just don't understand that after the time we spent together I was feeling pretty empty in the house after you left 2hours felt like weeks but I'm ok I just go from high to a low and a simple message changes my world but I know I need to change that perception being alone is not always my strong suit and to know you're missing us like I do makes a big difference I love you You can call me whenever when you go to work  My phone is on and I'm here thinking of us... Of you  Come by if you'd like I would enjoy you in my sleep Xo

I miss you

This weekend went by way too fast and I can barely stand my own company Feeling alone and bring here with the tv and couch and not able to nap or ease into my own skin without you here I miss you so much So many more hours that I long to be near you to share minutes and previous moments in elevated sobriety But instead I grab a beer so I don't need to think Fuck I miss you  I wish you were here

Miss you already I loved our moments every moment I love you Still could have more moments of course when you leave I think of another thing I wished I would have said or did or the time was it well spent? I just love you !

Irritated - wtf

Whats going on ? Why arent you calling or texting me back or even coming on here to keep in touch with me. I have called you hundreds of times and you are completely ignoring me and not taking a moment to even respond.I saw you were on FB a couple hours ago and your work phone is saying that my texts are being delivered. Whats going on? To be honest I am getting really fucking irritated

What's up ?!

What's going on? U alright? Feels like sumpthins up... Like my text just be real it's all good ily

Kao

Love you hope ur missin n lovin me LLL

It's a beautiful night Love you

Tried calling no answer

Well the article is fucked up but probably truer than I want to believe Oh well Congrats!!!! 2nd place you know if u were in the car you would have won it! Hope ur having a great weekend Need to go get smog oil change and car wash tomorrow so if u wanna come join me for run around town lmk LY Hope you had a great time at the race 2nd place is awesome !!!!

"Crazy"

Thats all you thought about that article??????????

A Letter to the Wife of My Boyfriend - Article INTERESTING READ

Dear Wife of My Boyfriend, I’m not sorry. I’ve done countless undeniably repulsive things — all without an ounce of regret. I kissed him on the stoop of your house while your birthday party was blazing in the backyard. I didn’t wake him when he fell asleep after sex, so he’d spend the entire night in my bed. I made sure (you don’t want to know how) he stayed over far longer than he intended to and had to rush home at 3:30 a.m. without showering first. He must have reeked of my scent when he walked in your bedroom door. I took pleasure in knowing that. It all started at the exact moment you think it did: the night we double-dated. Remember the way he made me laugh that night, how that made you feel? Your instincts were right. For weeks, I kept it a secret. But one night, after too many tequila shots, I finally confessed the affair to my friend May. She’s married. She hates me now. “How could you, as a woman, do something like that to another woman?” she said. Most of my married friends who are women had the same indignant take. Funny, my married friends who are men were all for it. They envied me. I never understood May’s assertion that there’s some sort of sisterhood I’m betraying. I don’t believe in a loyalty we all owe each other as women. I do believe that I owe it to myself to fall in love and stay in love for as long as is humanly possible. I wish someone else, in some other circumstances, had said it, but I actually agree with what Woody Allen said to justify schtupping his step-daughter. “The heart wants what the heart wants.” It’s been a year now since your husband broke up with me. He didn’t do it for you, or to save your marriage. He did it because our relationship had reached a point that it was causing me more pain than it was bringing me joy. He knew he would never leave you and the kids. He knew how much it hurt me every time he kissed me goodbye to come home to you. Cheating on you, he could live with. Hurting me, he couldn’t bear. You hate me, I know, and you always will. But sometimes I wish we could talk. I wish we could sit at a bar and I could explain to you why we did what we did. If we could do that, if you and I could get drunk together, there’s one story I’d want to tell you. Because I’m not a bad person, I’m not a heartless person. I would tell you this story because it might give you some comfort or satisfaction or sense of vengeance or, most likely, a combination of all three to hear it. One night, I was walking down 8th Street and I passed the restaurant you two go to on Friday nights. I looked through the window of the restaurant and you were at the window table. I glanced over at a moment that was so impeccably timed that if it had been a movie scene, it would have been one of those “yeah-right” moments people in the audience despise. I saw the expression on his face — that smile, the way his chin was tucked, that slightly inebriated and unmistakably seductive glint in his eye. What I saw that night caused me as much pain as I could ever cause you. I saw that he loves us both.

?

Yes I know it was me And u knew it was me not Ron so why wouldn't you say anything? What do u mean by "I'm trying to get stronger I love you please try and not judge me ever step of the way" stay strong I love you and hope u are happy I don't want to play games I want to talk I just think that if we see each other it makes it worse Right? I don't know Call when u want

Ok? Well?

So thats it - "you hate your life" You cant expand on that really? I havent talked to you in a week - we havent seen eachother for a week and a half you have written me a total of maybe 30 words in all 13 days And then when Ron facebooked you when you didnt have "service" you couldnt say anything really?????? Really? What the hell - why are you not even talking to me at all... I told you i dont want to see you - but cant we talk - can you fucking tell me whats going on? What happened? Why were you so detached from me that whole time - and so unexcited to call/talk or even see me when you got back? Talk to me you said you would call me back - does that mean today? or just whenever you get bored? I guess you dont need to say anything to me right? But it would be nice to have some answers - and hear your side of things....

So?

So what did you figure out in those 10 days?

Uh huh

Interesting isn't it? Uhm ya the whole dynamic....yep

7 days 7 nights You've looked here 3 times and one comment Interesting ... I know distance makes the heart grow fonder or go yonder I feel it I know what's up And I'm ok actually Wierd how things feel like they change on a dime Like you and I back in time I know if we see eachother it will change back but maybe that's not what ur lookin to do I feel like something's changed and I'm ok I just didn't play this out in my head this way But I'm okay either way Just be honest we don't need to talk about it lay it all out here Even when you did comment you said "July I miss you" can't even take the time to spell check or text call or comment I see the Pint vs gallon and I'm okay honestly I love you to pieces always I'm good with whatever comes my way I just could see a lot in this distance what u were feeling and thinking which was pretty much nothing for me by the little contact you made Not mad Want you to be happy and dud my best to allow that in this week Couldn't you tell? I backed off a lot and so you not reaching out that may be just all you wanted me out of your double life Just be honest Xo I love you and wish you the best always I feel good that I am actually coming to this place of setting you free Just strange how easy it is for you But everyday I'm getting stronger and more willing to let it flow the way the wind blows

Maybe

Half of me doesn't even care but the other half is PMSing and wants to say wow 8 days and no initiatin to conta t me it was all me every time except once when you got in a fight with "lovely" and Amd texted don't text me Real nice.... I hope you had a good time and that's why I left you alone for a couple days But you.... Atoll didn't make any initiation to show what you say or say anything here or there Glad you had a good time I know where i stand Welcome home LLL Ha In shouldn't post but I will but will probably delete before you even see it Maybe Cuz it just doesn't mean as my has it DID to me Sad I was in Florida and found Time to contact you every chance I could Actions are powerful words are beautiful but in t It all the actions speak louder than words Hope u had a great time I love you and always wish you the best Sincerely no matter how scorned I may feel Take care LLL

text app deleted

I deleted text app so if you want to talk to me it needs to be thru here....I cant recover last number info will need to create new one or maybe i wont hope you are having a good time - Its my Friday whoop whoop! take care

If ur able to get on Facebook
Your able to get on here... Just sayin'
Not sure what "thanks" text means nor do I know what July I miss you means
But sure hope you are enjoying Hawaii! Xo bh
Thanks also

Wow!
I guess I get it
Have fun

Dude
I'm wondering why u won't reply to my texts or come on here
Are u thinking of me or just distancing yourself from me
I know u have time if u wanted to make it
If you simply don't want to then lmk and I'll stop contacting u or waiting for ur reply
You have plenty of people around as a distraction to contact md if u wanted to
But maybe that's simply it you don't want to
Sorry for bothering u then
Ily
I'm really not mad just frustrated
Your phone call was not very loving so I'm just trying to read between the lines
So just be forthcoming

I know u have a lot of people around you
I hope you have fun and figure out some stuff this week
Of course I want to hear from you more often but it's fine
You are having family time and I need to understand that
I didn't hear you loving or missing me too much which I guess is a good thing
Just hoped to hear it a little in your voice or even with u reaching out to me thru here but ur not so its okay
Not mad
Hope u have a good time
Alls good here just working and doing my own family time
Talk to you whenever
Take care

What happened? I hope ur ok.
I had some crazy dreams last night
Just saw ur text

Looks beautiful there
Hope you are having fun
Wish I could be there with you
Someday love
I love you
Have a great time and a Mai Tai for me muah!!

You know how I feel
I'll do my best to leave you alone to have family time and enjoy yourself
Its just when u said you were in car I thought you would be happy to take my call and when you said stop it messed with my head and I got carried away
I understand you are far away and are having a good time and I'm not part of that life right nose have fun I love you and I suppose you'll call when you feel like it
Ily

LLL

I hope you are having fun... Relax and destress
Miss you love love love
Enjoy all the grains of sand under your feet and the stars and moon and ocean vast
Like the love we share it is infinite and exists even when you can't see all of it
Muah!
Hope you truly are at peace
I love you truly abSOULute

I can do this
It sucks

Cursed Blessing

You are my sun and rain joy and pain

since I met you my life has changed

The moon is a curse reminding me each night
that you sleep beneath it, but not in my sight

My arms are empty heart bleeding like rain

Knowing you has caused so much pain

The distance to your heart is a blink away

But your body next to mine is just a vision I play

Our minds so twisted with worries and life

I have a husband you have a wife

So my blessing of love has cursed me to my death

Knowing I'll live without you until my last breath

"Just Friends"

who the fuck are we kidding - ?? you are not my friend you are soooo sooo much more than that and I cant fake it with you - i refuse to fake it with you - the one person that everything was more than real - why ruin it by pretending to be something we just ARE NOT- "Just Friends" Fuckit

Space Between - DMB

http://youtu.be/hOyQHm2ls-I

I feel this today more than ever today.


You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted game we play

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get tickled
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here
The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

 I feel done at home
I feel done with everything
I feel worthless
Unloved
A burden
A person living with a stranger
I'm done
Depression kills him kills me
I'm done
I'm better off alone and so is he
He is so angry with me
Fuckitol
I can't fake it

Awesome

I hate not being able to text or call you whenever I want
Anyways just checking out your Facebook and want to tell you how awesome
you are!
Winning both races in a row is bad ass so proud of you
Love you that's all goodnight

Everything was good and all because I wrote nnnnnnnn you tell me I'm
Fucked up and your done
What was that all about
Why are you hurting me after all the talks we had and time we spent talking about how much we hate being mean to each other
How is that serving you? Why are you hurting me! I am only sending you love and you shut me down do easy to say fuck you really what's the reasoning behind that?

Wicked Memories

--------------what a Wicked night ------------

8

I guess everything that has been said is all that needs to be said
Our lives came together for a reason but now we move in separate directions
The idea of the heart culdesac will always intrigue me
It's a love story worth writing in the sands of time
A fantasy or say fairytales which the lover in me will dream of while I sleep
However while I am awake I need to forget the dreams which hold me captive in my subconscious state
It seems I've said too much or maybe not enough
Or that you wish not to hear my voice over the universal sounds that I send out while you also sleep
Will you come here again, maybe my sharp tongue has scared you away for the last time
Maybe I did it on purpose to protect myself somehow
But I miss you coming here
Although maybe it is all for the best now
I hope you remember the roses and soon all the thorns will be but a distant memory
And your love will live on even if only when you sleep

3/28/13

I was thinking this morning, that many years ago when you were on Micah and we had an encounter...then you chose her and left me
and you are there with her after all these years....you chose to be with her...and completely abandoned me many years ago
I dont know what I am fighting for anymore
You arent fighting for "us" or me or anything...you just go on as if everything and nothing that we experienced together and the words you fed me....meant anything to you.
Over the past year you have pushed me repeatedly on the back burner and shown me how unimportant I really am and I am obviously trying to prove to you that I am worth something...maybe myself, that I am worth something....but I shouldnt be basing my self worth on someone who NEVER valued me or what I have to offer 9 years ago or even now.
I fucking love you and I wish I didnt ever fall for you...I suppose it was the connection of Jason that drew us together...it makes sense that he was the love of my life and you his best friend...your manarisms are similar and even the way you treat me is the same...like shit
Its as if I am trying to heal from that part of my life through you but I am a fool to suffer like that again, when I have a man in my life who loves and adores me and puts me first above all.....
I obviously am really screwed up - like a masochist, as if I havent already endured so much shit by the time I was 22 years old
I am repeating old patterns apparently because I havent learned.
You do not love me - you cannot love me -- this is not love
This is me wanting to be loved by you and asking you to "love me" and you oblige with words but your actions are not in line with your words...and so I long for it to prove something to myself and in this vortex I am not seeing the real truth
Its as if I want to know that what Jason and I had was supreme - because I feel so similar about you as I did him and now I want it to be real and be happy ever after with you because of how in love with you I feel as I did with him....
I have been blessed and cursed to be so in love with --- but i have been cursed because the ones I have loved in such a way could never love me in return.
Its not yours or his fault - you both are not built that way...and I have been given a gift of a beautiful life and someone who wants to take care of me and love me
and although at times I wish it were you that loved me in such a way - you dont - you cant and I need to walk away.
I will miss who I thought you were....but who you are is not who I have dreamt up in my fairytale world - you know that and I know that.....
its all a fantasy
that I lost myself in ---
May God come into me and you and release the demons that have been born in this wicked affair...
The sins of our hearts have destroyed a lot of my life and all I can do now is do whats right and try to fix this darkness which encompasses my life since we met.
So sad -- that I believed it was a Godsend but time is showing me that it was the Devil in disguise ruining our lives.
I will always love who I thought you were....he was beautiful,caring, charming, extraordinary, the one who believed love conquered all...my prince charming, to save me.....
I wont forget that "you" - that you inspired me .....
and I will forever love my true love in which at one moment in time - love reigned supreme....
A dream so magnificent -- I wont forget that feeling.

Nothing left...............













NOTHING

-------

I feel like such a fool

----- All of these professions of love poetry and music.....

Such a fool

-----It was only a fanatasy and I never wanted to believe that you would lie to me with such light in your eyes.

I have let you go -- and now you are free to be with her for eternity.

I have come to realize over this very short time the things that were right in front of me which I was blinded by
Your lies - lies - lies
Lies to her - lies to me
How you looked me in the eye professing your love for me ultimately and then going home planning vacation after vacation - trip after trip with her as is your life is perfect together.

I've been lied to so much I am just baffled at what a fool I was to believe you.
A fool to believe anything that ever came out of your mouth.

Imy

You haven't looked here in almost a month and if u do now  it doesn't matter because really this is my place to be free and it's really my place to find me anyhow
But truth is I miss you
I use you as a crutch in my time Of despair
And really doesn't matter cuz you are not really there but I miss your words and eyes that fill my soul
But I need to find me again to make me whole
I  am really good on this journey... but when I get weak I need your gurney to to take me away but I know better now
Thats not the way out
I am exactly where I am suppose to be but fuck I miss you

Whats it going to take?

“we will remain the same …until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change.”

So this is good bye

i cant make you love me or be with me or want to be with me
i shouldnt have to convince anyone to love me -
if you cant and dont and wont the way i deserve - i am dying but i cant force whats not there.

so this is good bye

While you're out racing my hearts breaking
You couldn't take a minute for me
For 4 days

Your lack of concerns is worse than any word you could say
Because completely acting as if I am non existence is like stabbing me over and over again and the pouring salt on me
It's pretty disgusting and unbelievable that I even associated with someone like this
You've done this before so why would I think you'd change
You haven't
I'm still do meaningless I ding even deserve a fucking phone call
I hate you too!

Asssss you assss mean mean ass! Your are a mean and I am too
Hah fucking hah ass fucking hole
Fuuuucccckkkkkkkkk you!

Fuck you fuck you fuck you I hate you fuck you oh and fuck off !!!!

I wrote you so many things of love and heart and soul feelings of depth within me and you completely ignored everything I expressed and gave to you
How could I ever love someone so malicious?
God only knows but I will live on and be glad I dodged that bullet
Wow
"when someone shows you who they are... Believe them the first time"
I apparently didn't want to believe it but you've given me nothing therefore I have no choice but to accept the fact that I never meant anything to you
I'm disgusted with myself and hope that this self loathing will dissappear the sooner you dissappear from my heart
Fuck you!

I would have left but you told me not to... You never had any intention of going... Wow how'd I miss that sign?
Asss

Sunset

When you see sunsets, do you think of me?

My heart is tired

My mind is weary

I feel as if I can barely breathe

The time has taken its toll on me and I am unsure if the road ahead is something I can meet

Death is a thought consuming

No light can seem to shine in

My soul is restless my body weakening and I am unsure that the next breath I take is in me

I have worked very hard not to intentionally hurt you however you continue to be intentionally distant, short and make it very apparent that I am not worth responding to.

You picked up the phone last night and all you said was "awesome dude, awesome" and hung up on me.

I honestly though you were alone and could talk  -  I was on my way home - you had only texted "8 night" 10 minutes prior.

Now I ask "what happened"and all you say..."sleeping"

does that mean you were sleeping last night and just hung up on me -- because you were too tired to be polite - or you are sleeping now.

I dont get you - I get that I am obviously not worth your time to communicate effectively - when I really was not trying to be mean in any way or hurt you or disrupt you intentionally....I was not trying to be a bad "friend" however you are being really hurtful.

I am very sorry once again

But I am even sorrier that I spend all this time thinking and worrying about you and you dont have the decency to even respond.

I'll be at the park at 11 Thursday
I'm not contacting you between now and then
hope I see you there

Awesome dude awesome
Ok
I thought u were ok and she was at softball a nnnn text would have sufficed
O well
Sorry wasn't on purpose

You are so mean to me
You really know how to get under my skin and infect me to my worst state on being
You don't acknowledge me
And ignore me
And make me think I did something wrong and then not even explain yourself or let me explain myself
You only allow me to contact you through writing as If I am incarcerated
It's fucked up
And cruel
And then you don't even write back
When I try and communicate
It's really cruel and fucked up
I am really hurt that you are intentionally being malicious
:(

But what can stay hidden?
Love's secret is always lifting its head out from under the covers,
"Here I am!"

-Rumi

Take care of yourself bh
Ilyaw

I just went on a break and called to see if u wanted to chat
It's all good sure you're busy and we're done anyhow
Xo ilym

you have nothing to lose keeping me in your wingspan with words of love -
I have everything to lose.....I am more emotionally involved - this is easy for you
Its not fair....

Fuckin' Be Real!

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO AND PLANNING TO DO....dont keep me in the wings...for your security --- just in case you change your mind and decide to leave your pretty little life...its not fair to me.

thanks!

Angel - Dave Mathews Band

"Angel"

I call you up
You pick up
You call my bluff
On the card to love
You hold too close
Your hands to your chest
I can read your eyes
But I confess
It's lonely far from you, oh

Even when you're right by me
It's only why I wait for you
To take my hand

Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I come after you like I do, I love you?
Wherever you are
I swear
You be my angel
You

I play my cards the best I can
But I lose my luck when you're not here
My darling heart
Won't you please give in?
I may be strong
But I want you back again

When you're not here it's hard to pretend
It's all alright again
When you're not here love it's hard to pretend
It's all alright but still
Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I run after you like I do, I love you?
Whatever you are
I swear
You be my angel, you

Watch the deck
Count your cards
Makes no sense
That I'm always losing
When you're gone

Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I come after you like I do, I love you
Whatever you are
I swear
You'll be my angel, you
When you're gone

I just went on a break and called to see if u wanted to chat
It's all good sure you're busy and we're done anyhow
Xo ilym

I was thinking this morning, that many years ago when you were on Micah and we had an encounter...then you chose her and left me
and you are there with her after all these years....you chose to be with her...and completely abandoned me many years ago
I dont know what I am fighting for anymore
You arent fighting for "us" or me or anything...you just go on as if everything and nothing that we experienced together and the words you fed me....meant anything to you.
Over the past year you have pushed me repeatedly on the back burner and shown me how unimportant I really am and I am obviously trying to prove to you that I am worth something...maybe myself, that I am worth something....but I shouldnt be basing my self worth on someone who NEVER valued me or what I have to offer 9 years ago or even now.
I fucking love you and I wish I didnt ever fall for you...I suppose it was the connection of Jason that drew us together...it makes sense that he was the love of my life and you his best friend...your manarisms are similar and even the way you treat me is the same...like shit
Its as if I am trying to heal from that part of my life through you but I am a fool to suffer like that again, when I have a man in my life who loves and adores me and puts me first above all.....
I obviously am really screwed up - like a masochist, as if I havent already endured so much shit by the time I was 22 years old
I am repeating old patterns apparently because I havent learned.
You do not love me - you cannot love me -- this is not love
This is me wanting to be loved by you and asking you to "love me" and you oblige with words but your actions are not in line with your words...and so I long for it to prove something to myself and in this vortex I am not seeing the real truth
Its as if I want to know that what Jason and I had was supreme - because I feel so similar about you as I did him and now I want it to be real and be happy ever after with you because of how in love with you I feel as I did with him....
I have been blessed and cursed to be so in love with --- but i have been cursed because the ones I have loved in such a way could never love me in return.
Its not yours or his fault - you both are not built that way...and I have been given a gift of a beautiful life and someone who wants to take care of me and love me
and although at times I wish it were you that loved me in such a way - you dont - you cant and I need to walk away.
I will miss who I thought you were....but who you are is not who I have dreamt up in my fairytale world - you know that and I know that.....
its all a fantasy
that I lost myself in ---
May God come into me and you and release the demons that have been born in this wicked affair...
The sins of our hearts have destroyed a lot of my life and all I can do now is do whats right and try to fix this darkness which encompasses my life since we met.
So sad -- that I believed it was a Godsend but time is showing me that it was the Devil in disguise ruining our lives.
I will always love who I thought you were....he was beautiful,caring, charming, extraordinary, the one who believed love conquered all...my prince charming, to save me.....
I wont forget that "you" - that you inspired me .....
and I will forever love my true love in which at one moment in time - love reigned supreme....
A dream so magnificent -- I wont forget that feeling.

All you said was nap
And ily crazy girls not sure who girls are but ok
Take care
See you on the other side whatever that means
I love you and wish you well
I don't know what drives you but I imagine the life you live right now gives you the contentment you need
And I can't be all you need

and that's ok
I will learn to live without "us" as you do
Ilyaw

Damn you Ben
Fucking say something with substance!
"nap"
"Ily crazy girls" who Is girlS???
Wtf?!?
Tell me the truth
Wtf
I am
Pouring my soul to you again and I get 1-3word responses
Oh emm mother effin geee!
Be deep be profound
Be grand dammit
Be truthful
And fucking say something really
Not just a 3 word response
Did u see my final plea
Just tell me fuck! Truth
I can deal
Crazy or not I want and need to know your absolute truth what you know deep
Down --- express confess
Destress
The truth will set us free
I love u
Bye

Crazy

Truth is you make me crazy
Out of my right mind crazy
A fucking lunatic on the lose with a heart for a bomb ready to explode
I say things before I think
I then want to take them back and then it's too late
Half the reason I havent posted a lot of that shit is because I was smart enough to hold back and not say things that I might wish I didn't say.
Today though I said too much and can't shut up my mind Abd stop blogging
Crazy girl crazy fricken girl
This crazy girl is all for you but can't blame you if want to run
Because I'm a handful but my best is magnificent and so grand
I love you jerk! Haha
I'm out
Later

Napv

That's your response
Nice

Blogs

All my posts this week have been unposted but now I don't care I'll put them all put here
The array of hurt love chaos longing
It's all for u
It's all for you and so I'll post em for u
You can have all the history and I'm not hiding anything
I know where I stand and so you can know the inner working of my thoughts n love and discontent
This week has been hell but has shown me that I can do it
Time heals all things and although I shot myself in the foot today

I'll walk again in time
And I'll always hold your love inside but learn to hide it away as you have done
I'll get there someday

My Final Plea

Just tell me you dont love me and you have no intention of being with me EVER
Please just tell me - release me
Tell me honestly - cut me free - my heart is dangling by the torn muscles in my heart --- and I am hanging by a thread...tell me to go and all of this is not worth it.
Tell me the truth that you love me and cant bare to lose me from your life but are NEVER coming for me...and NEVER leaving your wife.
Just set me free -- tell me please and let me go.

The truth will set us free love -- please unchain my shackled soul and release me....

Please tell me the truth - tell me your true intentions and just let me go

I need the truth!
PLEASE

WOW _----------- WOW_ ------------ WOW_------------

REALLY?

I guess you are home and you are in your security - and safe peaceful place....why would you come here? You only miss me in the day -- when shes not around....as long as shes there....there is never a place for me - who the fuck am I kidding...

Im done sharing any more of my thoughts and feelings...

I blog my thoughts - and will keep those thoughts to myself from now on --- its all for nothing...
no more sharing anymore of anything of me....you have a notebook of my love and now I need to stop writing in this book in which is at its final chapter.

I knew that before I called you this morning but I cant keep doing the same thing expecting the same result..

Love drives me....
your racing, security, money and current life drive you --- -

I cant compare to that life which you have worked so hard for...its time I realize that

as hard as it is to swallow - I am a fucking big girl and need to get on with my life

I love you and wish you all the best...

Are you really not going to come on here now?
Did you get your fix to hold you over now?
Whatsss goin on ? I am all fuckin' tangled now

Come on now

There is no good in good bye
I miss you still - love you - I want to cry
Everytime we say its time to go
There is more I want to say and love I want to show
Unfinished business always in our way
Always more I want to say

But this is it nothings changed
You are still where you were a year ago...a love in your heart but home you cant leave...

SM4ever

SM4ever --- riiiiggghhhhttt
You were "really worried" about me? Why?

And when you talked to me - you were pretty quick to hang up - you really missed me --- riiighhhtt
Its all a moot point --all of this
I am thinking to myself now... was 3 minutes on the phone worth all this that I have worked so hard for?..starting over the battle of my heart vs. mind....FUCK
Love doesnt reign supreme....
Lets be honest...if it did it would
 --- it doesnt
Words are words
And I want a grand gesture - I deserve it - so do you
Words are only a bandaid to the pain
But the real antiseptic is thought and action in to words...

And really --I am still only "missed and loved" in limits....once you are home I imagine I espace your mind and existence...Because I see when you look here is only in the times you are lonely...she keeps you safe and secure..no need to reach for me or miss me as long as shes in your arms.
FML!

Lets be honest here...Love drives me - Racing drives you -- I will never be what you want in the end


Sorry you cant breathe - take that as a sign that I am no good for you.

Ok Ive said enough - ily take care

(this all sounds awful and mean - I dont mean it to - I have just so many emotions and things that I feel - I do love you ... the ball has always been in your court and I am trying to obviously play tennis with an imaginary love -- so it just causes me frustration - its not your fault - I am my own worst enemy)

Worried about me? Really?
REALLY?! WOW
Love drives my train - racing and

Truth Is ----

The truth is I miss the fuck out of you
talking to you today is like a fucking sword in my heart and I did it to myself calling
I love you and miss us
I miss our lunches our moments our embraces and kisses
I miss our love together
There you go....here's a blog for you ... It doesn't change anything but to show you my vulnerability and give you satisfaction and peace in my agony
But there you have it I fucking love you I fucking miss you
And hate that I still do

For Katie

Your life so fragile so young to endure
Such horrendous paths in which there is no cure
Your beautiful heart a soul with such light
Put into a battle in which you must fight
A survivor you are as Yoda would say
Use the Jedi mind trick push it all away
You're glorious dear woman, so many can see
Your life of long you will live to see victory
Fill your soul with the energy and light from within
And I know my dear this battle you will win

( I love you Katie-bear ... You show the strength you are and it will all be okay)

Food for Thought

"you already know he is thinking/loving/missing you. You've known that since last year.

Doesn't mean anything though in real life and in the mean time it just tortures you wondering how someone can love you so much but never leave. "

-- from a friend of mine - very profound....

(in regards to our  short convo this morning....everything you said I feel..I miss you -- nothing has changed....but not sure anymore words I could say that could make something change....(you know what I mean)

I love you....Congrats again on your race and all the support that you have in your life.....I hope you are happy and are finding your peace in the life you live.

8

Congrats

Congrats

Fukitol

Fuck Music
Fuck Numbers
Fuck Signs
Fuck Love


Fukitol

Wicked the Play

Wicked the Play Was for us -- The Rainbow that Night ---the fireworks for us -- the numbers for us --- the pigeons for us --- the timing that we were able to meet / freeway meet ups -- all the signs for us -- and many more I hold in my heart but cannot even name anymore -- its all in my heart I hope it leaves my head.....I want to forget

"For Good" (feat. Kristin Chenoweth)

[ELPHABA:]
I'm limited.
Just look at me.
I'm limited.
And just look at you.
You can do all I couldn't do.
Glinda...
So now it's up to you,
For both of us.
Now it's up to you.

[GLINDA:]
I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.

[ELPHABA:]
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you'll have rewritten mine
By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you...

[GLINDA:]
Because I knew you...

[BOTH:]
I have been changed for good.

[ELPHABA:]
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done,
You blamed me for.

[GLINDA:]
But then,
I guess,
We know there's blame to share.

[BOTH:]
And none of it seems to matter anymore.
Like a comet pulled from orbit
(Like a ship blown from its mooring)
As it passes a sun.
(By a wind off the sea)
Like a stream that meets a boulder
(Like a seed dropped by bird)
Halfway through the wood.
(In the wood)
Who can say if I've been changed for the better.
I do believe I have been changed for the better.

[GLINDA:]
And because I knew you...

[ELPHABA:]
Because I knew you...

[BOTH:]
Because I knew you
I have been changed...
For good.

ELPHABA:
Kiss me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings
Could not foresee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me

And just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some borderline
And if it turns out
It's over too fast
I'll make ev'ry last moment last
As long as you're mine

FIYERO:
Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
Through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's "up" that I fell

BOTH:
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time

FIYERO:
Say there's no future
For us as a pair

BOTH:
And though I may know
I don't care!
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

FIYERO:
(spoken) What is it?

ELPHABA:
(spoken) It's just - for the first time, I feel - (whispers) wicked!

Serenity Prayer:

Serenity Prayer:
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. "

"The truth will bury us but the ship will carry us to shore"

Waiting for the ship to come in and save me

2222

I Hate the Number 2 right now - it fucking finds me no matter what I am doing....
I am just working and a damn receipt I am trying to reconcile has "Table #222" or Invoice 2012222 or friggin phone numbers

DUMB DUMB DUMB

Its only been maybe 36 hours since we effin talked and its dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Overit.com

Want to hibernate and sleep my memory away so I can go on living without being constantly reminded of things I cannot control.

Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. "

As soon as I can get through 2 weeks I am sure I will be much better and better to deal with this shit.

The first days are the hardest...and eventually I will be able to love the life I live and live the life I love....however the haunting of what might have been right now is hindering my progression....

FUCK I WISH I COULD JUST FORGET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH

O well--- I really hope you are doing fantastic --- truly

I'll get there ---- just need a little time to get my routine different, change habits, and stop missing what captured my heart.

Living the Law of Attraction / The Secret

“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.” - G. K. Chesterton

Rumi

" how do we keep love secret ???
We speak from brow to brow and hear with our eyes"

In the wuiet of our presence, a love like our speaks with no words

Maktub

( it is written)

Love you... my ocean of thirst quenching radiance ... A memory and love like that will always live even in the speechless moon
Good night

Silence

So here... Night 1 and the journey begins
I'm just going to throw all this out here so you know what's goin on...
I've been blogging on here for almost a year and you venture here at times but really haven't seen many things since around August last year when you really took the time
I have a feeling you'll look here but will be looking for the new but I've poured my heart and soul into many things that you still never took time to look at
I'm going to continue writing and on a occasion publish things but there seems to be a lot of catching up that I would love you to do ... Of course in your own time as may take months weeks or days depending on your state if mind. Don't think I haven't thought of you if you come and see nothing new go back and feel the many other emotions I have bled into this ... In time when you come here if you choose I'll have new stuff but I will not be so easily posting for you to see until the time is right. Remember I love you and months of that has already been here and when you take the time to see it more will be shown.
I gave you that book the alchemist a year ago and at that time you seemed so much to care and read it but you never really did think it important enuf and all these things I have written you barely have cared to absorb unless I have dissappeared momentarily or in boredom
I'll wait for you to catch up if it's important to you and if not thats ok I'll just know if it's worth saying anymore in this separation over time.
I love you and need to believe that all this is what's suppose to happen for the best
I miss you already in time I'll see if the feeling is mutual
Love you .

you picked a good time to end it ... Summer time, cabin time, races and things to forget me ... Hope it works for you... I'll be Thinking of you and know that a love like this is eternal no matter what happens between now and death
Love love love you always
Know that
Feel that
Feel me
And remember our love lives in the moon and can turn tides and light up the darkest sky even in our darkest nights
Go ahead and read the letter ... It's time
Sweet dreams love always
I'll remember your eyes in my sad moments and know that by that look alone your love for me is true no matter where you choose to go or stay in life
So thank you for the moments and memories that will forever live in my soul.

"I never believed in God until you"

You once told me “ I never believed in God until you”

I hope that is true – my love and if it is – I ask that you pray with conviction and find the answers to your hearts desires

Remember what faith is

Faith minus vulnerability and minus uncertainty = Extremism (we don’t want that)

If you don’t have vulnerability and are not 100% certain than you are not coming from a place of faith – no one knows what the road ahead holds- and we will never be certain… and with that we are vulnerable to the process….its up to both of us what faith we really have in this.

None of this is going to be easy love- but I believe that time space and through prayer the answers will come.

Pray for me, pray for you – pray for us….and all that is meant to be and right for all of us.

I love you --

PS READ THE ALCHEMIST DAMMIT!!  ;)

(and Rumi when you are missing me)

It's early in the morning I'm not sure what to do today
Just be I suppose however you won't even look on here or respond to my morning text
I don't want to be crazy and call you if you really don't want to hear from me anymore so it's like I'm just talking to emptiness
I'm sorry for everything honestly right now I am
Not sure how to go from here
Tell me and I'll do as you wish

I'm sorry
If you want to read that letter
Then I guess I understand just tell me if you do
And I'll be gone
I love you and I am sorry
Very sorry that I even said anything about that post and even sorrier how your reaction was to me
I need to take some Xanax and never awaken
(can't get that lucky)
So I'll live to see another day and survive my own conflicts and be ok eventually
I truly love you

What is this text " this is love" I asked you a question
Please note that when I text u from that app there is a delay on your responses so I don't get them until I have continues texting what I was Thinking
Now you say "this is love" "fucking stop" so what it isn't love is that what you are saying?
Please respond
Read this and other post after this one
Please talk to me
Im sorry I upset you so much that you don't care anymore but I care
I do love you Ben so much
And I need to learn everyday to step back before reacting
I'm sorry please love
Love me... Or don't but if you don't tell me
Ilyaw
More than I could every show you in our mini moments together it would take lifetimes

I love you... Apparently she knows what's she's doing with all those fb posts just enough to destroy "us" just Enid to make me question your love.
I should know better sorry but I can't help but ask you
I didn't mean to upset you to the extent that you would be so mean to me and tell at me thru texts and tell me you don't care anymore
If you really dont care any more that would break me more than words however if that's your stance tell me now and I'll do what I can to respect you and leave your life
I love you

Oh How I Feel This - Since I have met you

“It’s clear to me now that I have been moving toward you and you toward me for a long time. Though neither of us was aware of the other before we met, there was a kind of mindless certainty bumming blithely along beneath our ignorance that ensured we would come together. Like two solitary birds flying the great prairies by celestial reckoning, all of these years and lifetimes we have been moving toward one another.”
― Robert James Waller, The Bridges of Madison County

“And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before.”
― Robert James Waller, The Bridges of Madison County

“So here I am walking around with another person inside of me. Though I think I put it better the day we parted when I said there is a third person we have created from the two of us. And I am stalked now by that other entity.”
― Robert James Waller, The Bridges of Madison County

“This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime.”
― Robert Kincaid Bridges of Madison County

what is going on ?
I got a call from work number and no one was on the other end....was that you or not?
Wtf is going on?

God give me light in my darkest hour

Send your love and reign your power

Save me from the demons filling my soul

Destroy this pain and make me whole

My heart is breaking I feel it like pieces of glass

Shards consuming my blood like an atomic blast

Empty Promise

Its taking almost all I have right now not to slit my wrists

This pain will pass however this passing moments of today and all the crazy thoughts in my head

I’d rather be dead

My heart feels like a foreign object that once served me and now has sucked the life out of me

I am the walking dead

Nothing at this moment can seem to nourish me but your promise

And that is but an empty promise because although you say I have your heart you have chosen to live without both of us

your heart and me

Re-Post (remember love)

I asked for passion - wow what a whirlwind it has been 20 days and counting and I still can't see what is in my sight.
It was a tornado of dust and the past whirled into oblivion.... and the path is a little murky from here.
I see the goal in sight and it is you and I hand in hand, leaving the dusty road behind...but the path to that place is rocky and I am unsure of which transportation to take to get there.
I see you running in circles and baffled by the storm and I just want to hold you and let you know that love willl guide us in faith.
We met again for some reason and it would be foolish to pass this off as a chance encounter.
My patience is the size of a baby flea and I need you to reassure me that its worth the wait and the road will be ours to travel together.
I fear and fear is darkness, love is light and I need love to light this darkness, because these fears are just a figment of my imagination.
I need to push the fear away and let your light shine in me during the doubt

10 days after we met WTF

10 days after we met.....my thoughts I had written down

This is the kind of stuff love songs are written for

This is the kind of stuff love stories are made of, the place where time and space are of no regard and hearts rule the universe

The magic happens and it shall remain because Maktub

You have swept me up and I am in this tunnel of love swirling me around continuously with each word you speak –

Its too easy how your words slide off your tongue and how it melts me to the core that its so good it cant be made up.

I can barely contain this feeling and want to shout “I am in love” from the tallest buildings in the world

“I am in crazy mad love that makes no sense at all – but its happening in me and I cant contain this.”

The secret love is not so secret – I am wearing it on my face, I am carrying the love all around me…everywhere I tread

Mysterious love – mysterious insights this feeling that I want to cry...cry tears of joy and sadness…sad that I have been missing this and sad that in order to have this love, I may hurt so many surrounding me.

It's taking everything I can not to say the words I hate you
My heart is sick I feel Like a fool so when I say I hate you I am really hating myself
I was vulnerable this week with you and I should have been strong
I wish I was on vacation and not sitting here thinking of you or what I thought we could be
Your eyes had no love in them for me yesterday
That's not the last look I want to remember but maybe that was Gods way of letting me know what this really was
Nothing
A lesson learned my heart is burned I'm. Scorched to ashes in my soul
I hate myself for loving you
Such a big mistake this pain feels like more than I can carry right now
I feel destroyed and sickened
I hate me therefore I hate you because you are the part of me which shows my weakness
I want to die right now
But this too shall pass
Maybe you don't live inside of me because if you did you would feel all of this and would come to save me
You never intended to then now or ever
I guess real love would wish you the best and so I'll lie to you
I want you to be happy even if it's not with me but that's all a lie because right now I want you to feel the suffering I'm enduring right now
But you are with the one you chose your life is well on the way to greatness love surrounds you and in time I will be ok and be happy I pray

You are next to me and I'm living this life of what ifs
Your pictures your couch your home you share with her
And I sit next to you
Our toes I intertwined like a perfectly knit blanket
But I am the blanket you put away she is the blanket in which you lay
I know it's just the way
And when I leave I cannot stay
But somehow I believe someday
You'll choose me for your everyday
I can believe In dreams and so I pray
You never want me to go away
Lovely words a game we play
In all this world we just betray

I see love stories on tv
I hear songs and read books of love everlasting and I can't help but see you and me
A blessing of beauty and imagination
A curse of damnation
That we have met for a moment but our forevers are but a dream
I will miss you.

Relationship Questions

Ask yourself and maybe you can find answers inside to your current relationship...

Questions to ask yourself

1.       Do I have physical attraction for my partner – if not how does that make me feel that the chemistry isnt there? (what inititally drew me to my partner, what keeps me there?)

2.       Does my attachment to her money/his caretaking/ my fear being alone/ our friendship /common goals/does my partner serve my spiritual growth/ what do I get / what am I sacrificing/ is it worth it? From my part do I remain in the relationship out of fear or is there a genuine love? Which is the over riding force?

Are you coming from fear or love in this relationship

If you are coming from fear – (negativity – (I love this person/ our paths have changed and we are staying together because of fear rather than solid commitment and genuine love that is not a reason to stay)

Break thru the barriers and rise from fear.

PC - That Magic Moment (old but worth reading again)

And then he told us:
We have to take risks.
We can only truly understand the miracle of life when we let the unexpected manifest itself.
Every day – together with the sun – God gives us a moment in which it is possible to change everything that makes us unhappy.
Every day we try to pretend that we don’t realize that moment, that it doesn’t exist, that today is just the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if you pay attention, you can discover the magic instant.
It may be hiding at the moment when we put the key in the door in the morning, in the silence right after dinner, in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. This moment exists – a moment when all the strength of the stars passes through us and lets us work miracles.
Happiness is at times a blessing – but usually it’s a conquest. The magic instant helps us to change, drives us forward to seek our dreams. We shall suffer and go through quite a few difficult moments and face many a disappointment – but this is all transitory and inevitable, and eventually we shall feel proud of the marks left behind by the obstacles. In the future we will be able to look back with pride and faith.
Poor are those who are afraid of taking risks. Because maybe they are never disappointed, never disillusioned, never suffer like those who have a dream to pursue.
But when they look back – for we always look back – they will hear their heart saying: “What did you do with the miracles that God sowed for your days? What did you do with the talent that your Master entrusted to you? You buried it deep in a grave because you were afraid to lose it. So this is your inheritance: the certainty that you have wasted your life.”
Poor are those who hear these words. For then they will believe in miracles, but the magic instants of life will have already passed.

Paulo (note)

"We can so easily flee from everything that we desire and which life do get oust places before us. Alternatively we can surrender ourselves to Divine Providence, take Gods hand, and fight for our dreams, believing that they always arrive at the right moment."

Why else would we have arrived at the same place at that precise moment that windy April morning......how can we ignore all the signs?

Divine (June)

you said something so true - when you looked at me with heart shaped eyes.you said "ts like poetry" and you know what - it is.
our life together is an array of poetic creations, of signs and arrows pointing us in the direction of love
Ultimate love - absolute love - love beyond words and infinite is not even close to the description we carry with in.
Our hearts intertwine again as they have lifetimes ago - and we fit togeher like  best friend necklaces - hearts put back together - in a chaos so perfect for our yearning souls to feel alive again and we embrace it because we know, we feel it...the truth beyond our bodies embrace...it is the truth spoken in the gaze of our eyes that see beyond whats in front of us - but into the depths of the souls embrace we feel together. Divine energy pure and written as it should be.

“Life sometimes separates people so that they can realize how much they mean to each other.”