So a saying goes "everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season, or lifetime"
So far it's been a few seasons but I feel like I'll spend a lifetime looking for the reason.
The day was cold and windy, my one great love died over a decade prior and I had gotten on with my life in a way in which I was proud. I had a life full of many friends, family, events and a beautiful son with my husband.
Working as an office manager in a small architecture firm I was pretty secure. I worked my way up over the years, taught myself many things while running an office and made great money.
I received a message on Facebook, my great love which had passed, his best friend contacted me, it has been over eight years since I had last seen him and felt it a little strange he would contact me after all this time. After all we had a short encounter back then which included reminiscing, drinking beer and a night which ended in sex. I at the time felt nothing too odd of the encounter since we had such a bond from the man we both loved, and with a combination of alcohol and that kind of connection it was bound to happen. However, that encounter left me jarred afte such a night as that he dissappeared from the world, my world, he never called or answers my calls and I moved on, as if it was a drunken mistake in which I blacked out over the years. I suppose he had guilt sleeping with his best friends girl, or maybe frankly not into me, whatever it was I moved on and got over it. But now this time he contacted me I was stronger, stable, safe, and when he insisted we meet for lunch within that week I thought sure, we've grown up and I'm
in a good place. It will be nice to show him how far I have come since that slurring girl the night in the bar that was too happy to go home and make love to someone that for the night could make her forget about the love she lost.
The day was windy and instead of lunch we met for coffee. The encounter was friendly, comfortable, almost too comfortable. We reminisced a bit but mainly talked about how great our lives were, our houses, our jobs, our kids and spouses. After about an hour we wrapped it up, planned lunch the next week and left.
I felt something strange while driving away, a half empty feeling, unfinished business type of emotion and as odd as it was to reach for my phone before I had barely drove a block I called.
Hey he said I said hi "I know this is odd but I just feel strange" he said "My heart feels like someone filled it up, Im just sorry I waited 8 years, I forgot how special you make me feel, I cant explaing the feeling Im having right now, but its good." (Whoa... Whoa) I said "ok" and something happened that day and since then I am trying to understand our reason, and may spend a lifetime trying to make sense if all of this.
Love, passion, dreams, magic, fate, Kizmet was born.
My story begins here, we are both married and I am left wondering why did we meet in such a moment? Timing is not my friend and the fireworks dance around in illusion in my heart. But we are married and this moment, that true love moment may never come our way again.
And now I spend my life trying to understand why God would be so amazing to show me such a gift but so cruel say you can't have it, not now.. Maybe ever.
Lucky for me I've had this love strike me twice, unfortunately I've lost this love twice.
Better to be safe..... Because losing this love one time is too much to bare, God must think I'm a strong one putting me on this cross, becausee at moments I feel like I'd rather die than endure this heartache again.
Months have gone on in this love affair, but it took only that day to open the gates to my fiery paradise. The highs are high and the lows like a dungeon with spokes and daggers tearing the threads of my soul out at times.
Leading a double life, a mother a wife and another life of feeling magical love without limits.
The goodbyes are hard the hellos confusing, the in betweens beauty and horror but all together a love unlike any other.
You'd think well.... love reigns supreme...love conquers all... if it's this true and magical then why stay in an a mediocre marriage? Why?
Fact: Reality. Kids are involved, houses, finances, retirement, lives, hearts, people involved and it's not so black and white, well not to the elephant but the zebra would tell you different.
In the months of this whirlwind affair many considerations of the situation have taken place. Planning, plotting, lies and guilt. Trying to figure out the best way to be together without destroying everyone involved.
This time we are on a " real break" "until we are single" and God I am still trying to believe that this is the best course of action.
Morally yes I know it is, but to the core of my soul and heart strings I die a slow painful death. Dying of a broken heart, love sick literally, losing sleep, losing my mind. Breaking down in tears in the middle of my work day and barely able to eat.
Keeping our distance until the others are gone soulfully kills me but I suppose that's what he needs. And for what I believe is love, I shall oblige this very action
Even if it kills me.
People always say: ‘It’s inner beauty that matters, not outer beauty.’
What the future holds for you depends entirely on your capacity for love.