How long does your phone have to charge? Seriously
Been waiting what feels like forever
I'm tired I'm probably going home and going to sleep

How long does your phone have to charge? Seriously
Been waiting what feels like forever
I'm tired I'm probably going home and going to sleep

Waiting for you to text to call
To reach for me
 In a house full of people but the heart is not full without your love
I know you love me but boy I could really use a phone call right now
But again I wait

I know you are surrounded by family and maybe friends and therefore you are filled up with that
Tonight for me so far I am not
We have plans to go to our friends bday NYE party but I just want to stay in bed
I can't I will never be forgiven
But all I want to do is sleep I'm sad
 I miss you 
It seems today is the end of one chapter beginning of a new 
Why aren't we together now embarking on a new adventure together
Tonight a kiss tonight to seal our promise of our hearts
It's all symbolic I suppose 
But it doesn't make me miss you less or stop the sadness which weighs my heart down without you
I'm tired and weary I want to sleep to forget the love I have which I cannot hold
Happy New Year my love 
I love you more than you know

I miss you
Sad you aren't here with me to ring in the New Year

I love you
Mamamamamadnesssss
Madness mad love
Love love love

Let's build a. Life together and plant flowers paint pictures and make rainbows from the tears we've cried
The pot of gold is in our hearts and life of love we shall reside

I'm thinking of you my beautiful soul mate
You are my true love
You fill me up
You make me feel things that warms my soul and life dreams of this life
When I hold your hands and your hand touch me. Love resides and expands into the universe
My love love love
I love love love you
I miss you all the time and can't wait til we are together all the time
Wake up to your beautiful eyes and heal and grow together
In love as we are meant to
I love you Ben
Love always your spirit wife
Mmmmm I want to taste your lips kiss your tongue and make love to you in my mind and let your hands make love to me with one touch one look be one as we are meant to be
Miss you love love

And you say you didn't know what was going on?
And couldn't call cuz u didn't know what was happening at home
You could have fuckinh came on here and communicate with me

You disregard me or maybe you just don't fuckinh care how Iau be feeling waiting for your call, waiting for you to one time want to see me first
Reach out for me... Miss me
How fucking stupid can I be

I don't know how I'm ging to do this but I gotta let this go,., I'm broken at home and broken by you
And you need to water your own grass
love will rise again
It's just a bad year for you and her
Happy New Year!

I can't take your lack of love for me and being second to her anymore
My heart is dying and the life you breathe into me when it's convenient for you isn't saving my life when I'm dying and you can't make time or want to take the time to love me

(and yeah I saw the fb pic of you and her at Baja...  You sure look happy)

Good for u!

I'm out
Are you coming with me?
I need to know are you going to be waiting on the other side?
Bad news never had good timing
Are you going with me??
I love you and know that you are the one I want to spend my life with
Tell me what are your true honest to the soul and core of your heart thoughts
Now is the time...
Now is the moment
Where I am going are you and if so when
My time in this has now confronted my being
What are you going to do?

Can't you talk?
I don't know what the fuck to do
He doesn't care or believe that it was a stupid thing at a bat
He can't believe I would kiss anyone joking or not
He said he wants to talk after the new year and not today on Christmas
I feel bad that he is so hurt
I just think this is the last straw
We haven't been good for awhile but now this is right in his face
Unforgivable
Wtf?
He doesn't care what I have to say he says I am
Probably out "sucking dick"
That's real fucking nice
Great
Real fuckinh great

Merry Christmas
I love you
... He saw the picture of us in my phone yesterday
Not good.....
I tried to act like it was some drunk thing one might at a bar and just a peck
He is posses and wants me out of the house first of the year

That's my news.., how bout u?
Ily

I fucked up dylmmtily?

I fucked up by breaking our agreement and you so obliged by texting back and answering my call

Now you aren't responding or caving with me so I can't be mad but I am sad just a little that you are so controlled to not be vulnerable and run to me as I do you. 

I guess it's always me making it happen I wonder if u will find me and go in search with true passion and desire or take me for granted

Time will tell 

And in time I must wait

I don't know why I am so negative when I speak with you... I think in short the truth is, is I am always left wanting more
We will always be unfinished business
And with that I feel out of control
This whole situation is out of our control
I like to feel in control and this love has taken me on a trip and journey in which I cannot comprehend
My world has been turned upside down and somehow I become negative in this experience of mas love which negates what love stands for
From the love to the madness the unexplainable I am not the same
Love is the flow of God passing through us and fear is the evil force which creates doubt
I have known for sure that you are love that saved me and now I know that you are love which may save me again even with you leaving me ... Wanting more
Some day I will understand the meaning of all of this meeting
Some day when I reach heavens gates I will understand that this love is something which is forming me into my future self
I believe that someday this love which entraps my fearful mind will set me free to love without fear
I feel like this love is a recreation from my past and I wonder of it is revisiting me to learn the things my young mind then could not comprehend
And maybe now my soul is ready to know that which I could not with him
I just don't know the explanation for this crazy love will I ever know
You said stay where you are in the safe place of always knowing... Is that what you want for me? Us?
The fear in me agrees the heart in me fights for the other
What is in your heart and mind ?

Word of Wisdon 12-13-12

1. If you want something you never had, you need to do something you have never done - Oprah

2. What would you do if you were not afraid?

3. only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation - A Course in Miracles

So tell me ....

So tell me...
How do u feel?
It's only been a week but tell me how is it you feel so far?
I want to know truly how u feel and ur thoughts.
I have been feeling many things which I will share in time,
 but I want to know really what it is you feel and think in detail please.
Ummm... Yeah I miss you a lot and want to see you because when I see you it changes my world and right now I feel my world needs a changing ... Maybe maybe not...
Mmmmmmm

Don't look on here cuz youre bored lol
I love u

Imy!

IMYSFM!

I miss you so fucking much!
I torture myself by reading old texts, letters, notes, comments
But at the same time in this masochistic state I find pleasure in this pain.
Knowing the love I keep is is what you have given me.
And I know that the love I have given you is what I know I can be sure of - that I never left you questioning or having second thought that my love is absolutely true.
And even if you never come back I know you were never left wondering where I stand for you.
I miss you so fucking much and I am doing all I can to restrain myself from posting these notes...picking up the phone or anything to distract you from your mission of finding clarity and peace in your life decision.
I love you now and always.
SM

12-13 feeling

I wonder if you have an upset stomach...I am feeling yucky but not sure why maybe feeling you (random thought)

Willpower

Yesterday was hard really really hard and today I saw that you looked here and it made me feel good.
I think about you almost every moment and want to share my moments with youu.
It is taking will power not to post these messages and I gave decided with the guidance of a friend that in order to truly give you the space you need and be the friend you need then I should not contact you through this blog.
I miss your voice your face your hands your love!
I keep writing everyday and at some point as I see you popping on here to see if anything is new I'll publish my notes thru this separation and space.
I love you baby
Miss you like crazy! HASHTAG#MUSTHAVEWILLPOWER

1212

Ilyfb! I bet u do

You don't check me out look
At my Facebook
Blog life why
Why would you?
I'm sick and over it
I just don't think this is for me
You are fucking married and professing love on fb fucking barf
And then professing your love to me on this quiet hidden secret blog
Wow I feel really fucking special

Yah Not so Much

I was at peace...until....
NASCAR here you come - have fun!

Yah not so much....this is ridiculous...
I sometimes wish that I didn't have access to see your life and how you lead me and her on ....

But I am blind if I dont acknowledge it....

So my eyes are wide open, like Katy Perry I am "Wide Awake"

Doubting moment 12/11/12 - 12:57PM

So where was the card you got her?

There were 2 cards and yours not there…did u hurry and hide it before I arrived?

 UGH

You have another <3 you message ahhhh

And you use to not respond now you have since I am no longer on FB

Nice

Cant help but wonder the stories we both are hearing from you….

Professions of love until you can choose.

Whatever!

TOO MUCH

I MISS YOU TOO MUCH TODAY I CAN BARELY STAND IT.

FUCK –

HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GRAND DAY….AND FIGURING YOUR SHIT OUT

I AM JUST MISSING YOU

MAYBE YOU FOUND LOVE AND PEACE AGAIN…AT HOME

I WANT YOU HAPPY OVERALL….TRULY

BUT I FUCKING MISS YOU TOO MUCH

OH WELL!

Today is hard

Somehow knowing you have looked on here to see what I may have said or knowing you have something to say to me makes the day easier.
You haven't looked and so I miss you more
I don't want to miss you
I want to get thru 21 days and feel free from this desire to have you love me
I don't question your love but I am now in a our distance realizing how many times you were so unavailable to me and then I miss you less knowing I wasn't a priority and may never be
Distance makes you grow fonder or stronger
3 days down ...I will grow someway somehow and believe that God and angels are here with me as my army to fight sadness

The Alchemist

Hope you find that book and really read it before we reunite.
I think that when you take the time to read it - you will find clarity and be moved to understand our current position and make a decision that is true to who you are and your authentic self.
You have had the book 12 years......wowy
Nice :)

Love opens up doors

And as I awake this morning I am at peace, thinking of how just a day ago I was stressed out in how I would be able to see your face and kiss your lips before this separation.
And I remember that it all fell into place , timing, chores, alibis and our love found a way by itself and all the inner working and webs I tried to weave to connect to you, it was unnecessary as our love had already found the path for our lips to meet.
And as I look back at the beginning even then too our love had a blue print in the soul of the world that our earthly minds could never quite plan, to meet the week when you were not working and how the park was accessible to both of us with no restraints, fireworks and magic it only took a week and... our love knew that was all we needed ...actually one day really... but the week confirmed that first day was something more than just coffee.
The universe conspires for us everyday in every plan we have made and how we somehow are available to make it happen in days that seem impossible and the possible days become the hardest, maybe that's to show us when it feels the most difficult is when our love shows us how easy it can be.

Believe, and take no day for granted as the days that seem to be a given may be taken away from us right before our very eyes.

Love opens up the gates that are sealed with locks and chains and love sets us free to love one another as we are meant to.

Longing will strengthen our souls and the bond which has always been ours
And I know that with this faith, love opens up opportunity that we will be one in time again, time that will be of God and angels as we wish to be blessed.

I love you my darling and you live inside of me so I will look within when I cry and feel your whispers of love dry my tears.

Anxiety

I suddenly feel anxious naseaus and wonder if your soul is flittering in the wind to connect more so with mine as I feel your absence and it's sickening my core.
My love can feel you in light years and miles away your pain is my pain your happiness is my happiness your health is my health connected....
we must be good to ourselves otherwise we will destroy the one we love the most... Each other.

That Magic Moment - by Paulo Coehlo

And then he told us:
We have to take risks.
We can only truly understand the miracle of life when we let the unexpected manifest itself.
Every day – together with the sun – God gives us a moment in which it is possible to change everything that makes us unhappy.
Every day we try to pretend that we don’t realize that moment, that it doesn’t exist, that today is just the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if you pay attention, you can discover the magic instant.
It may be hiding at the moment when we put the key in the door in the morning, in the silence right after dinner, in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. This moment exists – a moment when all the strength of the stars passes through us and lets us work miracles.
Happiness is at times a blessing – but usually it’s a conquest. The magic instant helps us to change, drives us forward to seek our dreams. We shall suffer and go through quite a few difficult moments and face many a disappointment – but this is all transitory and inevitable, and eventually we shall feel proud of the marks left behind by the obstacles. In the future we will be able to look back with pride and faith.
Poor are those who are afraid of taking risks. Because maybe they are never disappointed, never disillusioned, never suffer like those who have a dream to pursue.
But when they look back – for we always look back – they will hear their heart saying: “What did you do with the miracles that God sowed for your days? What did you do with the talent that your Master entrusted to you? You buried it deep in a grave because you were afraid to lose it. So this is your inheritance: the certainty that you have wasted your life.”
Poor are those who hear these words. For then they will believe in miracles, but the magic instants of life will have already passed.

How it all began

Yes

ME - So I felt I guess overwhelmed inside today after meeting ... My friend said I suffer from PTSD hhmmmm

ME - Overwhelmed not in bad way just a lot of stuff in short time make sense ? Whatever sorry I am just jabbering on :)

ME - Ummm I domt mean to freak you out sorry and umm still call me next week :) otay?

YOU - Im driving so couldn't text my heart feels like someone filled it up im just sorry i waited 8 years i forgot how special you make me feel cant explain the feeling im having right how but its good

Oh how it all began......filled up your heart....and here we are....in this madness.....

My love love love

When I love -- -- --

When I love - I love with my whole heart and when I lose that love my whole heart breaks.

Its a strong muscle and has endured physical and emotional abuse for over 30 years...at what point will it just stop being subjected to the painful situations I put it in?

Maybe because, maybe, maybe just one day the pain will be a distant memory and love will be all that lives there.

One day....

The dreamer in me is still hopeful....

The realist knows that this is the last time I will subject myself to the pain that love has done to me.

Mediocricy

Its safe and enough....I have lived and known many types of loves and experienced loves that some can never even imagine...and for that -- I am done going in search for the one thing that can destroy my existence.

I am ok that we are done...I have to be because I can never feel like this again...although it was good to feel so alive - -the depression is too much to bear ever again.

He had that love and when he died he took it with him...and you walked in and he poured that love back into me to share with you .....

Why?

It was all for nothing...fooled again.

No Good

I haven't been a good friend to you - and I think I actually do mean what I said:

Love Reign Supreme...
if you can weather this storm with her...you may find that your Love Reign Supreme with her...and you find true happiness.

Anything worth having doesnt come easy....work for your marriage love.

I love you.

I have been an awful friend to you.

I am sorry.

I am NO GOOD for you ----- No Good.

"what is meant to be will be"

"what is meant to be will be"
So what this is after 8 years is what?
Does fate come to those that wait or do you have to go for what you desire for destiny to assist you?

You know the old saying:

"Even if you are on the right track you will get ran over if you just sit there"

Apparently we sat there too long...my heart is run over crippled mangled...dead.

more songs for u

"Grace is Gone" -Dave Matthews Band -

Breathe Me

by Sia

on Colour The Small One

Heartstopper

by Emiliana Torrini

on Fisherman's Woman

Your music will be right back…

Not Myself

by John Mayer

Remember

My mean words are a defense mechanism and definitely not from a loving place because I feel detroyed.
I want you to be happy - and you said you want me to be happy...when I am with you I am happy...and since I cant be with you - my happiness is misery.
So you cant have what you want..my happiness and neither can I
Remember you are a beautiful heart, a beautiful soul and deserve amazing extraordinary things and I love you and want that for you - so please delete from your memory the mean things I say to you - because you are beautiful to me.
And this was whatever it was -- some day we will know.

Love you beautiful man.
Always.

Numb

Drink until my heart cannot feel anymore
A goal to be numb and never feel what I view as love
My skewed version of love is that love has to hurt to be real....thats not love
Not love - my poor little girl heart thinks that... because he once broke my heart "my one true love"
But he didnt love me and neither do you
I will self destruct until my heart destructs that it can no longer beat
Because only then will I be free of this "love" that I long for that destroys my being.
Numb my heart with mean bitter thoughts and eventually it will close up that there will not even be a crack that "love" could seep in or out.
But the love I have had will live in the universe somewhere hidden away knowing that at one time...this cold soul loved once...even when it was not returned.

No more

All I know is this is painful  and ridiculous and honestly I am emotionally overdone

 I am up and down and nothing really changes…only periodically.

You still “love” me in limits and even when time is permitting – you still LIMIT it as make sure not to rock your boat at home and her….because I believe at some level you really have been going home and showing love and affection because you do not really want it over with her.

I am sick about us – this –  broken hearted again – you got a call and made sure you left promptly and then you promised to see me in the morning and completely “Forgot” “Oveslept” or whatever…..

Priority not = back burner yes

I am hurt beyond words..and although I love you I cant do this anymore.

My heart has been hurt too much and I cant

We should just call this what it is - over.

Work on your life and we will end this now in order to salvage what is left of my soul and I hope I can be whole again...over time I believe I will be.

Save your marriage and go in peace my friend.

Love you now and forever.

Remember me....

Maybe in 8 more years time and circumstances will change...wishing you love and above all happiness in your lifes journey.