But what can stay hidden?
Love's secret is always lifting its head out from under the covers,
"Here I am!"

-Rumi

Take care of yourself bh
Ilyaw

I just went on a break and called to see if u wanted to chat
It's all good sure you're busy and we're done anyhow
Xo ilym

you have nothing to lose keeping me in your wingspan with words of love -
I have everything to lose.....I am more emotionally involved - this is easy for you
Its not fair....

Fuckin' Be Real!

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO AND PLANNING TO DO....dont keep me in the wings...for your security --- just in case you change your mind and decide to leave your pretty little life...its not fair to me.

thanks!

Angel - Dave Mathews Band

"Angel"

I call you up
You pick up
You call my bluff
On the card to love
You hold too close
Your hands to your chest
I can read your eyes
But I confess
It's lonely far from you, oh

Even when you're right by me
It's only why I wait for you
To take my hand

Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I come after you like I do, I love you?
Wherever you are
I swear
You be my angel
You

I play my cards the best I can
But I lose my luck when you're not here
My darling heart
Won't you please give in?
I may be strong
But I want you back again

When you're not here it's hard to pretend
It's all alright again
When you're not here love it's hard to pretend
It's all alright but still
Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I run after you like I do, I love you?
Whatever you are
I swear
You be my angel, you

Watch the deck
Count your cards
Makes no sense
That I'm always losing
When you're gone

Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I come after you like I do, I love you
Whatever you are
I swear
You'll be my angel, you
When you're gone

I just went on a break and called to see if u wanted to chat
It's all good sure you're busy and we're done anyhow
Xo ilym

I was thinking this morning, that many years ago when you were on Micah and we had an encounter...then you chose her and left me
and you are there with her after all these years....you chose to be with her...and completely abandoned me many years ago
I dont know what I am fighting for anymore
You arent fighting for "us" or me or anything...you just go on as if everything and nothing that we experienced together and the words you fed me....meant anything to you.
Over the past year you have pushed me repeatedly on the back burner and shown me how unimportant I really am and I am obviously trying to prove to you that I am worth something...maybe myself, that I am worth something....but I shouldnt be basing my self worth on someone who NEVER valued me or what I have to offer 9 years ago or even now.
I fucking love you and I wish I didnt ever fall for you...I suppose it was the connection of Jason that drew us together...it makes sense that he was the love of my life and you his best friend...your manarisms are similar and even the way you treat me is the same...like shit
Its as if I am trying to heal from that part of my life through you but I am a fool to suffer like that again, when I have a man in my life who loves and adores me and puts me first above all.....
I obviously am really screwed up - like a masochist, as if I havent already endured so much shit by the time I was 22 years old
I am repeating old patterns apparently because I havent learned.
You do not love me - you cannot love me -- this is not love
This is me wanting to be loved by you and asking you to "love me" and you oblige with words but your actions are not in line with your words...and so I long for it to prove something to myself and in this vortex I am not seeing the real truth
Its as if I want to know that what Jason and I had was supreme - because I feel so similar about you as I did him and now I want it to be real and be happy ever after with you because of how in love with you I feel as I did with him....
I have been blessed and cursed to be so in love with --- but i have been cursed because the ones I have loved in such a way could never love me in return.
Its not yours or his fault - you both are not built that way...and I have been given a gift of a beautiful life and someone who wants to take care of me and love me
and although at times I wish it were you that loved me in such a way - you dont - you cant and I need to walk away.
I will miss who I thought you were....but who you are is not who I have dreamt up in my fairytale world - you know that and I know that.....
its all a fantasy
that I lost myself in ---
May God come into me and you and release the demons that have been born in this wicked affair...
The sins of our hearts have destroyed a lot of my life and all I can do now is do whats right and try to fix this darkness which encompasses my life since we met.
So sad -- that I believed it was a Godsend but time is showing me that it was the Devil in disguise ruining our lives.
I will always love who I thought you were....he was beautiful,caring, charming, extraordinary, the one who believed love conquered all...my prince charming, to save me.....
I wont forget that "you" - that you inspired me .....
and I will forever love my true love in which at one moment in time - love reigned supreme....
A dream so magnificent -- I wont forget that feeling.

All you said was nap
And ily crazy girls not sure who girls are but ok
Take care
See you on the other side whatever that means
I love you and wish you well
I don't know what drives you but I imagine the life you live right now gives you the contentment you need
And I can't be all you need

and that's ok
I will learn to live without "us" as you do
Ilyaw

Damn you Ben
Fucking say something with substance!
"nap"
"Ily crazy girls" who Is girlS???
Wtf?!?
Tell me the truth
Wtf
I am
Pouring my soul to you again and I get 1-3word responses
Oh emm mother effin geee!
Be deep be profound
Be grand dammit
Be truthful
And fucking say something really
Not just a 3 word response
Did u see my final plea
Just tell me fuck! Truth
I can deal
Crazy or not I want and need to know your absolute truth what you know deep
Down --- express confess
Destress
The truth will set us free
I love u
Bye

Crazy

Truth is you make me crazy
Out of my right mind crazy
A fucking lunatic on the lose with a heart for a bomb ready to explode
I say things before I think
I then want to take them back and then it's too late
Half the reason I havent posted a lot of that shit is because I was smart enough to hold back and not say things that I might wish I didn't say.
Today though I said too much and can't shut up my mind Abd stop blogging
Crazy girl crazy fricken girl
This crazy girl is all for you but can't blame you if want to run
Because I'm a handful but my best is magnificent and so grand
I love you jerk! Haha
I'm out
Later

Napv

That's your response
Nice

Blogs

All my posts this week have been unposted but now I don't care I'll put them all put here
The array of hurt love chaos longing
It's all for u
It's all for you and so I'll post em for u
You can have all the history and I'm not hiding anything
I know where I stand and so you can know the inner working of my thoughts n love and discontent
This week has been hell but has shown me that I can do it
Time heals all things and although I shot myself in the foot today

I'll walk again in time
And I'll always hold your love inside but learn to hide it away as you have done
I'll get there someday

My Final Plea

Just tell me you dont love me and you have no intention of being with me EVER
Please just tell me - release me
Tell me honestly - cut me free - my heart is dangling by the torn muscles in my heart --- and I am hanging by a thread...tell me to go and all of this is not worth it.
Tell me the truth that you love me and cant bare to lose me from your life but are NEVER coming for me...and NEVER leaving your wife.
Just set me free -- tell me please and let me go.

The truth will set us free love -- please unchain my shackled soul and release me....

Please tell me the truth - tell me your true intentions and just let me go

I need the truth!
PLEASE

WOW _----------- WOW_ ------------ WOW_------------

REALLY?

I guess you are home and you are in your security - and safe peaceful place....why would you come here? You only miss me in the day -- when shes not around....as long as shes there....there is never a place for me - who the fuck am I kidding...

Im done sharing any more of my thoughts and feelings...

I blog my thoughts - and will keep those thoughts to myself from now on --- its all for nothing...
no more sharing anymore of anything of me....you have a notebook of my love and now I need to stop writing in this book in which is at its final chapter.

I knew that before I called you this morning but I cant keep doing the same thing expecting the same result..

Love drives me....
your racing, security, money and current life drive you --- -

I cant compare to that life which you have worked so hard for...its time I realize that

as hard as it is to swallow - I am a fucking big girl and need to get on with my life

I love you and wish you all the best...

Are you really not going to come on here now?
Did you get your fix to hold you over now?
Whatsss goin on ? I am all fuckin' tangled now

Come on now

There is no good in good bye
I miss you still - love you - I want to cry
Everytime we say its time to go
There is more I want to say and love I want to show
Unfinished business always in our way
Always more I want to say

But this is it nothings changed
You are still where you were a year ago...a love in your heart but home you cant leave...

SM4ever

SM4ever --- riiiiggghhhhttt
You were "really worried" about me? Why?

And when you talked to me - you were pretty quick to hang up - you really missed me --- riiighhhtt
Its all a moot point --all of this
I am thinking to myself now... was 3 minutes on the phone worth all this that I have worked so hard for?..starting over the battle of my heart vs. mind....FUCK
Love doesnt reign supreme....
Lets be honest...if it did it would
 --- it doesnt
Words are words
And I want a grand gesture - I deserve it - so do you
Words are only a bandaid to the pain
But the real antiseptic is thought and action in to words...

And really --I am still only "missed and loved" in limits....once you are home I imagine I espace your mind and existence...Because I see when you look here is only in the times you are lonely...she keeps you safe and secure..no need to reach for me or miss me as long as shes in your arms.
FML!

Lets be honest here...Love drives me - Racing drives you -- I will never be what you want in the end


Sorry you cant breathe - take that as a sign that I am no good for you.

Ok Ive said enough - ily take care

(this all sounds awful and mean - I dont mean it to - I have just so many emotions and things that I feel - I do love you ... the ball has always been in your court and I am trying to obviously play tennis with an imaginary love -- so it just causes me frustration - its not your fault - I am my own worst enemy)

Worried about me? Really?
REALLY?! WOW
Love drives my train - racing and

Truth Is ----

The truth is I miss the fuck out of you
talking to you today is like a fucking sword in my heart and I did it to myself calling
I love you and miss us
I miss our lunches our moments our embraces and kisses
I miss our love together
There you go....here's a blog for you ... It doesn't change anything but to show you my vulnerability and give you satisfaction and peace in my agony
But there you have it I fucking love you I fucking miss you
And hate that I still do

For Katie

Your life so fragile so young to endure
Such horrendous paths in which there is no cure
Your beautiful heart a soul with such light
Put into a battle in which you must fight
A survivor you are as Yoda would say
Use the Jedi mind trick push it all away
You're glorious dear woman, so many can see
Your life of long you will live to see victory
Fill your soul with the energy and light from within
And I know my dear this battle you will win

( I love you Katie-bear ... You show the strength you are and it will all be okay)

Food for Thought

"you already know he is thinking/loving/missing you. You've known that since last year.

Doesn't mean anything though in real life and in the mean time it just tortures you wondering how someone can love you so much but never leave. "

-- from a friend of mine - very profound....

(in regards to our  short convo this morning....everything you said I feel..I miss you -- nothing has changed....but not sure anymore words I could say that could make something change....(you know what I mean)

I love you....Congrats again on your race and all the support that you have in your life.....I hope you are happy and are finding your peace in the life you live.

8

Congrats

Congrats

Fukitol

Fuck Music
Fuck Numbers
Fuck Signs
Fuck Love


Fukitol

Wicked the Play

Wicked the Play Was for us -- The Rainbow that Night ---the fireworks for us -- the numbers for us --- the pigeons for us --- the timing that we were able to meet / freeway meet ups -- all the signs for us -- and many more I hold in my heart but cannot even name anymore -- its all in my heart I hope it leaves my head.....I want to forget

"For Good" (feat. Kristin Chenoweth)

[ELPHABA:]
I'm limited.
Just look at me.
I'm limited.
And just look at you.
You can do all I couldn't do.
Glinda...
So now it's up to you,
For both of us.
Now it's up to you.

[GLINDA:]
I've heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.

[ELPHABA:]
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you'll have rewritten mine
By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you...

[GLINDA:]
Because I knew you...

[BOTH:]
I have been changed for good.

[ELPHABA:]
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done,
You blamed me for.

[GLINDA:]
But then,
I guess,
We know there's blame to share.

[BOTH:]
And none of it seems to matter anymore.
Like a comet pulled from orbit
(Like a ship blown from its mooring)
As it passes a sun.
(By a wind off the sea)
Like a stream that meets a boulder
(Like a seed dropped by bird)
Halfway through the wood.
(In the wood)
Who can say if I've been changed for the better.
I do believe I have been changed for the better.

[GLINDA:]
And because I knew you...

[ELPHABA:]
Because I knew you...

[BOTH:]
Because I knew you
I have been changed...
For good.

ELPHABA:
Kiss me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreamings
Could not foresee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me

And just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed some borderline
And if it turns out
It's over too fast
I'll make ev'ry last moment last
As long as you're mine

FIYERO:
Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
Through different eyes
Somehow I've fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's "up" that I fell

BOTH:
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time

FIYERO:
Say there's no future
For us as a pair

BOTH:
And though I may know
I don't care!
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is through
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

FIYERO:
(spoken) What is it?

ELPHABA:
(spoken) It's just - for the first time, I feel - (whispers) wicked!

Serenity Prayer:

Serenity Prayer:
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. "

"The truth will bury us but the ship will carry us to shore"

Waiting for the ship to come in and save me

2222

I Hate the Number 2 right now - it fucking finds me no matter what I am doing....
I am just working and a damn receipt I am trying to reconcile has "Table #222" or Invoice 2012222 or friggin phone numbers

DUMB DUMB DUMB

Its only been maybe 36 hours since we effin talked and its dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

Overit.com

Want to hibernate and sleep my memory away so I can go on living without being constantly reminded of things I cannot control.

Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. "

As soon as I can get through 2 weeks I am sure I will be much better and better to deal with this shit.

The first days are the hardest...and eventually I will be able to love the life I live and live the life I love....however the haunting of what might have been right now is hindering my progression....

FUCK I WISH I COULD JUST FORGET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH

O well--- I really hope you are doing fantastic --- truly

I'll get there ---- just need a little time to get my routine different, change habits, and stop missing what captured my heart.

Living the Law of Attraction / The Secret

“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.” - G. K. Chesterton

Rumi

" how do we keep love secret ???
We speak from brow to brow and hear with our eyes"

In the wuiet of our presence, a love like our speaks with no words

Maktub

( it is written)

Love you... my ocean of thirst quenching radiance ... A memory and love like that will always live even in the speechless moon
Good night

Silence

So here... Night 1 and the journey begins
I'm just going to throw all this out here so you know what's goin on...
I've been blogging on here for almost a year and you venture here at times but really haven't seen many things since around August last year when you really took the time
I have a feeling you'll look here but will be looking for the new but I've poured my heart and soul into many things that you still never took time to look at
I'm going to continue writing and on a occasion publish things but there seems to be a lot of catching up that I would love you to do ... Of course in your own time as may take months weeks or days depending on your state if mind. Don't think I haven't thought of you if you come and see nothing new go back and feel the many other emotions I have bled into this ... In time when you come here if you choose I'll have new stuff but I will not be so easily posting for you to see until the time is right. Remember I love you and months of that has already been here and when you take the time to see it more will be shown.
I gave you that book the alchemist a year ago and at that time you seemed so much to care and read it but you never really did think it important enuf and all these things I have written you barely have cared to absorb unless I have dissappeared momentarily or in boredom
I'll wait for you to catch up if it's important to you and if not thats ok I'll just know if it's worth saying anymore in this separation over time.
I love you and need to believe that all this is what's suppose to happen for the best
I miss you already in time I'll see if the feeling is mutual
Love you .

you picked a good time to end it ... Summer time, cabin time, races and things to forget me ... Hope it works for you... I'll be Thinking of you and know that a love like this is eternal no matter what happens between now and death
Love love love you always
Know that
Feel that
Feel me
And remember our love lives in the moon and can turn tides and light up the darkest sky even in our darkest nights
Go ahead and read the letter ... It's time
Sweet dreams love always
I'll remember your eyes in my sad moments and know that by that look alone your love for me is true no matter where you choose to go or stay in life
So thank you for the moments and memories that will forever live in my soul.

"I never believed in God until you"

You once told me “ I never believed in God until you”

I hope that is true – my love and if it is – I ask that you pray with conviction and find the answers to your hearts desires

Remember what faith is

Faith minus vulnerability and minus uncertainty = Extremism (we don’t want that)

If you don’t have vulnerability and are not 100% certain than you are not coming from a place of faith – no one knows what the road ahead holds- and we will never be certain… and with that we are vulnerable to the process….its up to both of us what faith we really have in this.

None of this is going to be easy love- but I believe that time space and through prayer the answers will come.

Pray for me, pray for you – pray for us….and all that is meant to be and right for all of us.

I love you --

PS READ THE ALCHEMIST DAMMIT!!  ;)

(and Rumi when you are missing me)

It's early in the morning I'm not sure what to do today
Just be I suppose however you won't even look on here or respond to my morning text
I don't want to be crazy and call you if you really don't want to hear from me anymore so it's like I'm just talking to emptiness
I'm sorry for everything honestly right now I am
Not sure how to go from here
Tell me and I'll do as you wish

I'm sorry
If you want to read that letter
Then I guess I understand just tell me if you do
And I'll be gone
I love you and I am sorry
Very sorry that I even said anything about that post and even sorrier how your reaction was to me
I need to take some Xanax and never awaken
(can't get that lucky)
So I'll live to see another day and survive my own conflicts and be ok eventually
I truly love you

What is this text " this is love" I asked you a question
Please note that when I text u from that app there is a delay on your responses so I don't get them until I have continues texting what I was Thinking
Now you say "this is love" "fucking stop" so what it isn't love is that what you are saying?
Please respond
Read this and other post after this one
Please talk to me
Im sorry I upset you so much that you don't care anymore but I care
I do love you Ben so much
And I need to learn everyday to step back before reacting
I'm sorry please love
Love me... Or don't but if you don't tell me
Ilyaw
More than I could every show you in our mini moments together it would take lifetimes

I love you... Apparently she knows what's she's doing with all those fb posts just enough to destroy "us" just Enid to make me question your love.
I should know better sorry but I can't help but ask you
I didn't mean to upset you to the extent that you would be so mean to me and tell at me thru texts and tell me you don't care anymore
If you really dont care any more that would break me more than words however if that's your stance tell me now and I'll do what I can to respect you and leave your life
I love you

Oh How I Feel This - Since I have met you

“It’s clear to me now that I have been moving toward you and you toward me for a long time. Though neither of us was aware of the other before we met, there was a kind of mindless certainty bumming blithely along beneath our ignorance that ensured we would come together. Like two solitary birds flying the great prairies by celestial reckoning, all of these years and lifetimes we have been moving toward one another.”
― Robert James Waller, The Bridges of Madison County

“And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before.”
― Robert James Waller, The Bridges of Madison County

“So here I am walking around with another person inside of me. Though I think I put it better the day we parted when I said there is a third person we have created from the two of us. And I am stalked now by that other entity.”
― Robert James Waller, The Bridges of Madison County

“This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime.”
― Robert Kincaid Bridges of Madison County

what is going on ?
I got a call from work number and no one was on the other end....was that you or not?
Wtf is going on?

God give me light in my darkest hour

Send your love and reign your power

Save me from the demons filling my soul

Destroy this pain and make me whole

My heart is breaking I feel it like pieces of glass

Shards consuming my blood like an atomic blast

Empty Promise

Its taking almost all I have right now not to slit my wrists

This pain will pass however this passing moments of today and all the crazy thoughts in my head

I’d rather be dead

My heart feels like a foreign object that once served me and now has sucked the life out of me

I am the walking dead

Nothing at this moment can seem to nourish me but your promise

And that is but an empty promise because although you say I have your heart you have chosen to live without both of us

your heart and me

Re-Post (remember love)

I asked for passion - wow what a whirlwind it has been 20 days and counting and I still can't see what is in my sight.
It was a tornado of dust and the past whirled into oblivion.... and the path is a little murky from here.
I see the goal in sight and it is you and I hand in hand, leaving the dusty road behind...but the path to that place is rocky and I am unsure of which transportation to take to get there.
I see you running in circles and baffled by the storm and I just want to hold you and let you know that love willl guide us in faith.
We met again for some reason and it would be foolish to pass this off as a chance encounter.
My patience is the size of a baby flea and I need you to reassure me that its worth the wait and the road will be ours to travel together.
I fear and fear is darkness, love is light and I need love to light this darkness, because these fears are just a figment of my imagination.
I need to push the fear away and let your light shine in me during the doubt

10 days after we met WTF

10 days after we met.....my thoughts I had written down

This is the kind of stuff love songs are written for

This is the kind of stuff love stories are made of, the place where time and space are of no regard and hearts rule the universe

The magic happens and it shall remain because Maktub

You have swept me up and I am in this tunnel of love swirling me around continuously with each word you speak –

Its too easy how your words slide off your tongue and how it melts me to the core that its so good it cant be made up.

I can barely contain this feeling and want to shout “I am in love” from the tallest buildings in the world

“I am in crazy mad love that makes no sense at all – but its happening in me and I cant contain this.”

The secret love is not so secret – I am wearing it on my face, I am carrying the love all around me…everywhere I tread

Mysterious love – mysterious insights this feeling that I want to cry...cry tears of joy and sadness…sad that I have been missing this and sad that in order to have this love, I may hurt so many surrounding me.

It's taking everything I can not to say the words I hate you
My heart is sick I feel Like a fool so when I say I hate you I am really hating myself
I was vulnerable this week with you and I should have been strong
I wish I was on vacation and not sitting here thinking of you or what I thought we could be
Your eyes had no love in them for me yesterday
That's not the last look I want to remember but maybe that was Gods way of letting me know what this really was
Nothing
A lesson learned my heart is burned I'm. Scorched to ashes in my soul
I hate myself for loving you
Such a big mistake this pain feels like more than I can carry right now
I feel destroyed and sickened
I hate me therefore I hate you because you are the part of me which shows my weakness
I want to die right now
But this too shall pass
Maybe you don't live inside of me because if you did you would feel all of this and would come to save me
You never intended to then now or ever
I guess real love would wish you the best and so I'll lie to you
I want you to be happy even if it's not with me but that's all a lie because right now I want you to feel the suffering I'm enduring right now
But you are with the one you chose your life is well on the way to greatness love surrounds you and in time I will be ok and be happy I pray

You are next to me and I'm living this life of what ifs
Your pictures your couch your home you share with her
And I sit next to you
Our toes I intertwined like a perfectly knit blanket
But I am the blanket you put away she is the blanket in which you lay
I know it's just the way
And when I leave I cannot stay
But somehow I believe someday
You'll choose me for your everyday
I can believe In dreams and so I pray
You never want me to go away
Lovely words a game we play
In all this world we just betray

I see love stories on tv
I hear songs and read books of love everlasting and I can't help but see you and me
A blessing of beauty and imagination
A curse of damnation
That we have met for a moment but our forevers are but a dream
I will miss you.

Relationship Questions

Ask yourself and maybe you can find answers inside to your current relationship...

Questions to ask yourself

1.       Do I have physical attraction for my partner – if not how does that make me feel that the chemistry isnt there? (what inititally drew me to my partner, what keeps me there?)

2.       Does my attachment to her money/his caretaking/ my fear being alone/ our friendship /common goals/does my partner serve my spiritual growth/ what do I get / what am I sacrificing/ is it worth it? From my part do I remain in the relationship out of fear or is there a genuine love? Which is the over riding force?

Are you coming from fear or love in this relationship

If you are coming from fear – (negativity – (I love this person/ our paths have changed and we are staying together because of fear rather than solid commitment and genuine love that is not a reason to stay)

Break thru the barriers and rise from fear.

PC - That Magic Moment (old but worth reading again)

And then he told us:
We have to take risks.
We can only truly understand the miracle of life when we let the unexpected manifest itself.
Every day – together with the sun – God gives us a moment in which it is possible to change everything that makes us unhappy.
Every day we try to pretend that we don’t realize that moment, that it doesn’t exist, that today is just the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if you pay attention, you can discover the magic instant.
It may be hiding at the moment when we put the key in the door in the morning, in the silence right after dinner, in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. This moment exists – a moment when all the strength of the stars passes through us and lets us work miracles.
Happiness is at times a blessing – but usually it’s a conquest. The magic instant helps us to change, drives us forward to seek our dreams. We shall suffer and go through quite a few difficult moments and face many a disappointment – but this is all transitory and inevitable, and eventually we shall feel proud of the marks left behind by the obstacles. In the future we will be able to look back with pride and faith.
Poor are those who are afraid of taking risks. Because maybe they are never disappointed, never disillusioned, never suffer like those who have a dream to pursue.
But when they look back – for we always look back – they will hear their heart saying: “What did you do with the miracles that God sowed for your days? What did you do with the talent that your Master entrusted to you? You buried it deep in a grave because you were afraid to lose it. So this is your inheritance: the certainty that you have wasted your life.”
Poor are those who hear these words. For then they will believe in miracles, but the magic instants of life will have already passed.

Paulo (note)

"We can so easily flee from everything that we desire and which life do get oust places before us. Alternatively we can surrender ourselves to Divine Providence, take Gods hand, and fight for our dreams, believing that they always arrive at the right moment."

Why else would we have arrived at the same place at that precise moment that windy April morning......how can we ignore all the signs?

Divine (June)

you said something so true - when you looked at me with heart shaped eyes.you said "ts like poetry" and you know what - it is.
our life together is an array of poetic creations, of signs and arrows pointing us in the direction of love
Ultimate love - absolute love - love beyond words and infinite is not even close to the description we carry with in.
Our hearts intertwine again as they have lifetimes ago - and we fit togeher like  best friend necklaces - hearts put back together - in a chaos so perfect for our yearning souls to feel alive again and we embrace it because we know, we feel it...the truth beyond our bodies embrace...it is the truth spoken in the gaze of our eyes that see beyond whats in front of us - but into the depths of the souls embrace we feel together. Divine energy pure and written as it should be.

“Life sometimes separates people so that they can realize how much they mean to each other.”

Bob Marley

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

Think About It

“In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once, and never again, no matter how many lifetimes you live.”
― Robert James Waller, The Bridges of Madison County

Rumi

Lovers dont finally meet somewhere
They are in each other all along

July Sometime

Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get where you want to be.
I love love love love you Ben. You and I are what true love looks and feels like and we will be together soon Maktub... Because that's the way the path was written even before we were born.
I love you 2 much 2 much 4 ever
This may be one of the biggest challenges to my soul distancing myself from you...faith in us.. In your darkest night love will light your way back to me... Trust the face of love unseen ... We are meant to be.
Forever in your light always on your side within your darkest night forever near your light ...

June

"Finding one Important thing in your life doesn't mean you have to give up all the other important things".

I love sharing with. You all my insight as why we belong together and should be together but I have to share with u both sides. My insides hurt thinking that the possibility of us living our lives without this love forever however the fact that we even had the blessing of sharing  in such a moment is in itself worth living life.

"We can so easily flee from everything that we desire and which life do get oust places before us. Alternatively we can surrender ourselves to Divine Providence, take Gods hand, and fight for our dreams, believing that they always arrive at the right moment."

I love you do deeply I am full of tears... I don't understand what all of this means and may never in this life but I do know that it is eternal ... I miss u when you aren't near me and I think of you always .

Our Convos

Me: Its going to be tough

Him: But so worth it.

Him: Don’t be sad because of the people you will have to hurt to start living again. I love you all ways always.

Him: I love loving you – I love sneaking away to dream of us

Me: Do you want a 1 bedroom or 2 bedroom apartment

Him: A studio

Me: I have a son we would need a 2 bedroom so we could have privacy

Him: But the studio would be romantic

Me: Yes  it would

Him: You could write in one room while I paint, except I don’t paint

Me: it was such a romantic statement though

Him: I know

Me: You are having doubts

Him: What? you are the only thing I don’t doubt

Me:  I am honest and mean what I say.

Him: That’s what I love that about you

Him: I don’t always love what you say but I love that you mean what you say.

Him: I wish there was a word I could use to express my love for you I guess absolute would be as close as any

Him: Was that pure coconut or did it have like fruit in it

Me:Pure

Me: 100%

Him: Like my love 4 u

05/24/12

Me: My soul awakened upon our reuniting and I don't want to ever lose that . I hope that in these 9 days you and I can and will be certain exactly what we want. I know that I am a hard person to deal with

and if you don't choose me I will be sad but will be as happy as I can be that you Ben find your personal legend soulmate and ultimate happiness. I miss you already. And will be happy upon your return

as to fill my soul and return the piece that only you can fit into to complete me. My absolute I miss you already but so glad for the next few days I can call whenever I want :)

Him: I love you christina dont ever let it go hold on to my love with both hands

You are with me

Me: I love you Ben you are magic and as long as you are always this in love with me I will never let go of your love. You take my breath away. And I love it

Him: U can be my wife ily

Him: I want to turn around

Me: U melt me my absolute

Me: 222 thru 333 BC u me n jjs

Him: I love u

Me: Ilymamemaedaes (I love you more and more every minute and every second)  it grows and grows

Him: Its alway better when were together christina

Me: I know Ben it is!!!!!

Me: Love is the answer for most of the questions in my heart

Him: Im a true romantic not a charmer

Me: Bury the card in the beach and we will go look for it on our anniversary Friday the 13^th. Do you think there would be fireworks?

Him: That would be awesome we think alot alike

Him: Anytime me and you are on the beach their would b fireworks

6/7/11

Me: I am an onion there are many layers to me

later

Him: I was thinking you are not an onion you are a rose,

Me: layers of petals?

Him: yes but look out for the thorns

She kisses him madly

Me: You are my love story

 7/2/12

Me: My heart is broken

Him: Why?

Me: Why do you think?

Him: Its not broken its awoken.

07/31/12

Him: You cant move to Florida, because there are hurricanes and alligators and snakes ….

08/08/12

Him: I never believed in God until you

8/20/12:

Me: So I heard on Dr. Phil that relationships out of infidelity have a 70% failure rate

Him: Oh good we will be the 30%

Him: Did you call Dr. Phil and tell him that you have better chance of the Egyptions building pyramids then tearing us apart.

08/20/12

Him: I have never been addicted to anything in my entire life except you

You are my opium

Its better when I am busy and my mind is going a million miles a minute, when I have anytime to think you are all I think about.

My cousin said I have never seen you on your phone as much as you are now as long as I have known you,

9/6/12

Me: I just called to tell you I don’t like you

Him: That’s okay you don’t have to like me all the time..but you always have to love me

9/11/12

Me: I don’t like you

Him:  I don’t care if you don’t like me but you better love me

The Good Fight by Paulo Coelho (Good Read)

The Good Fight

by Paulo Coelho on March 6, 2013

In 1986, I went for the first and only time on the pilgrimage known as the Way to Santiago, an experience I described in my first book. We had just finished walking up a small hill, a village appeared on the horizon, and it was then that my guide, whom I shall call Petrus (although that was not his name), said to me:
- We must never stop dreaming. Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as a meal does for the body. Many times in our lives we see our dreams shattered and our desires frustrated, but we have to continue dreaming. If we don’t, our soul dies

‘The Good Fight is the one we Fight because our heart asks it of us.The Good Fight is the one that’s fought in the name of our dreams. When we are young our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven’t yet learned how to Fight. With great effort, we learn how to Fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our own worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result or our not having known enough about life. We kill our dreams because we are afraid to Fight the Good Fight.

“The first symptom of the process of killing our dreams is lack of time. The busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. They complain constantly that the day is too short. The Truth is, they are afraid to Fight the Good Fight

“The second symptom of the death of our dreams lies in our certainties. Because we don’t want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory nor defeat is important; what’s important is only that they are Fighting the Good Fight.

“And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams-we have refused to Fight the Good Fight.

“When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being. We become cruel to those around us, and then we begin to direct this cruelty against ourselves.

“What we sought to avoid in combat-disappointment and defeat-came upon us because of our cowardice. And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breath, and we actually seek death. It’s death that frees us from out certainties, from our work, and from that terrible peace of Sunday afternoons.”

Extraordinary

The day is here
Our time is done
Our love will live inside the sun
The light so bright a force so hot
Something we shared cannot be forgot
A love that only the angels could see
In the parks in our eyes you and me
Fused together as one connecting soul
The moments of magic that made us whole
No one can ever take away our memory
A love so true so meant to be
That love lives in the light in the stars and the moon
A love so extraordinary gone too soon
However on earth it is universally living
A love that continues and always giving
Remember our moments our passion our dream
It was THAT LOVE ...that reigned supreme

I'll always love you!

"Two Hearts Breaking" ~ By Jewel

Jewel – Two Hearts Breaking Lyrics
Verse 1:

You’re the ship, I’m the wreck
You’re the bomb, I’m a tick
You’re the pause before the fall
I’m a crash that follows it all

Chorus:
We are one, we are whole
We are one whole dying soul
We’re the crash, the burn,
The dream that turns from ecstasy to aching,
We-e-e-e-e are the sound of two hearts breaking

Verse 2:
You’re the blink, I’m the eye
You’re the shiver, I’m the knife
You’re the clutch, I’m the break
You’re the emṗtiness I make

Chorus:
We are one, we are whole
We are one whole dying soul
We’re the crash, the burn,
The dream that turns from ecstasy to aching,
We-e-e-e-e are the sound of two hearts breaking
And drying tears from crying all these years
And I know this is your nightmare come true
I never wanted this for you
But I’m the teeth, you’re the heart
Together we’re the start of the inhale and a scream
You’re the not waking,
I’m the not dreaming

Chorus:
Oh we,
We are one, we are whole
We are one whole dying soul
We’re the crash, the burn,
The dream that turns from ecstasy to aching,
We-e-e-e-e are the sound of
We-e-e-e-e are the sound of two hearts breaking

I have so many things on my mind and honestly I have expended so much energy towards this and I am realizing that it's not worth it anymore. The more I give the less you give and I am left always waiting for a love that doesn't live in you for me.
Maybe I just don't know you because the longer I've been with you the less I understand your actions or lack of them. From intermittent texts to no calls but random blog notes that say I love you with no follow thru or back up. Always hoping for more but more was what I got I. The beginning months since then it's been me waiting for that guy to reappear. It's simple I suppose you say you are a simple man so I guess I should just take it as face value I'm a gallon you are a pint you love me with what you have but it isn't what I need to fill my heart ... Maybe at the beginning you wanted me now I see you don't by your actions and with that I have to let you go. It saddens me but what is meant to be will be and I see where I am is right where I am supposed to be. With that I will carry on with a full heart happy thoughts and thank God for unanswered prayers because we may not always get what we want but we get what we need. So I wish you the best and I'll let you be as you want it to be I have taken off these rose colored glasses and reality is apparent. Good luck and live love laugh ... Life is too short to be unhappy. Ilyaw xo

I am beginning to hate inside this thing was never love but obsession your heart is full of illusion and deception you never cared I see by the way you don't miss me care or love me I'm done I have to be for my own sanity. You've come into my life to feed your ego and you

Why isn't it nice? The quotes are how I feel.

Ily

Sorry I love you and hope you can find in your heart some love peace and serenity
Please pray about it meditate and listen to your soul.., in solitude and silence you will find an answer
Just listen to your soul
I love you bh

Tell me

You say you like talking to me and love and miss me all the time however every time I reach out your actions speak differently
You don't answer my calls you don't respond to my texts and you leave me sitting here wondering what I ever did to you that you find that treating me in such a way is ok.
Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you tell me what's going on? Why are you able to disregard my attempt to reach you and be your "friend" maybe you honestly want me out of your life if that's it just fucking say so and I'll walk away forever!
Tell me now I am sick of playing a guessing game where it is I stand with you... Obviously back burner... But I deserve to be paid attention to and if you are keeping me in your life to be nice but have no intention to put in any effort to maintain this friendship relationship whatever you want to call it I deserve honesty! Give me the honest answer you want me in or out I'm not playing this game of chasing you when you have no intent to have me in your life... Tell me now please. You keep shutting down and I need you to open up to me , talk to me.... To say nothing at all is obviously not working I want a straight up answer what you want ... If you don't want me in your life just effin say so ok?! Please

Inspired by our encounter both good and bad
Releasing the words I've always had
Words of live anxiety and such
Brought about by a simple touch
So I thank you for helping me to write again
Even if your just a friend
Greatful to be a literary genius
Although no one had ever seen us
The love was real even if only a moment
My heart is awoken no longer dormant
Thank you for lighting a fire within
Something so beautiful can't be a sin
I'm glad to have known you one more say
Love has reigned another say

The way you say my name has changed
The look I remember last was not the same
Your aloofness and disconnect is apparent
So I live to see another day in another way I'm sure there is nothing left to say but...