Wicked Memories

--------------what a Wicked night ------------

8

I guess everything that has been said is all that needs to be said
Our lives came together for a reason but now we move in separate directions
The idea of the heart culdesac will always intrigue me
It's a love story worth writing in the sands of time
A fantasy or say fairytales which the lover in me will dream of while I sleep
However while I am awake I need to forget the dreams which hold me captive in my subconscious state
It seems I've said too much or maybe not enough
Or that you wish not to hear my voice over the universal sounds that I send out while you also sleep
Will you come here again, maybe my sharp tongue has scared you away for the last time
Maybe I did it on purpose to protect myself somehow
But I miss you coming here
Although maybe it is all for the best now
I hope you remember the roses and soon all the thorns will be but a distant memory
And your love will live on even if only when you sleep

3/28/13

I was thinking this morning, that many years ago when you were on Micah and we had an encounter...then you chose her and left me
and you are there with her after all these years....you chose to be with her...and completely abandoned me many years ago
I dont know what I am fighting for anymore
You arent fighting for "us" or me or anything...you just go on as if everything and nothing that we experienced together and the words you fed me....meant anything to you.
Over the past year you have pushed me repeatedly on the back burner and shown me how unimportant I really am and I am obviously trying to prove to you that I am worth something...maybe myself, that I am worth something....but I shouldnt be basing my self worth on someone who NEVER valued me or what I have to offer 9 years ago or even now.
I fucking love you and I wish I didnt ever fall for you...I suppose it was the connection of Jason that drew us together...it makes sense that he was the love of my life and you his best friend...your manarisms are similar and even the way you treat me is the same...like shit
Its as if I am trying to heal from that part of my life through you but I am a fool to suffer like that again, when I have a man in my life who loves and adores me and puts me first above all.....
I obviously am really screwed up - like a masochist, as if I havent already endured so much shit by the time I was 22 years old
I am repeating old patterns apparently because I havent learned.
You do not love me - you cannot love me -- this is not love
This is me wanting to be loved by you and asking you to "love me" and you oblige with words but your actions are not in line with your words...and so I long for it to prove something to myself and in this vortex I am not seeing the real truth
Its as if I want to know that what Jason and I had was supreme - because I feel so similar about you as I did him and now I want it to be real and be happy ever after with you because of how in love with you I feel as I did with him....
I have been blessed and cursed to be so in love with --- but i have been cursed because the ones I have loved in such a way could never love me in return.
Its not yours or his fault - you both are not built that way...and I have been given a gift of a beautiful life and someone who wants to take care of me and love me
and although at times I wish it were you that loved me in such a way - you dont - you cant and I need to walk away.
I will miss who I thought you were....but who you are is not who I have dreamt up in my fairytale world - you know that and I know that.....
its all a fantasy
that I lost myself in ---
May God come into me and you and release the demons that have been born in this wicked affair...
The sins of our hearts have destroyed a lot of my life and all I can do now is do whats right and try to fix this darkness which encompasses my life since we met.
So sad -- that I believed it was a Godsend but time is showing me that it was the Devil in disguise ruining our lives.
I will always love who I thought you were....he was beautiful,caring, charming, extraordinary, the one who believed love conquered all...my prince charming, to save me.....
I wont forget that "you" - that you inspired me .....
and I will forever love my true love in which at one moment in time - love reigned supreme....
A dream so magnificent -- I wont forget that feeling.

Nothing left...............













NOTHING

-------

I feel like such a fool

----- All of these professions of love poetry and music.....

Such a fool

-----It was only a fanatasy and I never wanted to believe that you would lie to me with such light in your eyes.

I have let you go -- and now you are free to be with her for eternity.

I have come to realize over this very short time the things that were right in front of me which I was blinded by
Your lies - lies - lies
Lies to her - lies to me
How you looked me in the eye professing your love for me ultimately and then going home planning vacation after vacation - trip after trip with her as is your life is perfect together.

I've been lied to so much I am just baffled at what a fool I was to believe you.
A fool to believe anything that ever came out of your mouth.

Imy

You haven't looked here in almost a month and if u do now  it doesn't matter because really this is my place to be free and it's really my place to find me anyhow
But truth is I miss you
I use you as a crutch in my time Of despair
And really doesn't matter cuz you are not really there but I miss your words and eyes that fill my soul
But I need to find me again to make me whole
I  am really good on this journey... but when I get weak I need your gurney to to take me away but I know better now
Thats not the way out
I am exactly where I am suppose to be but fuck I miss you

Whats it going to take?

“we will remain the same …until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change.”

So this is good bye

i cant make you love me or be with me or want to be with me
i shouldnt have to convince anyone to love me -
if you cant and dont and wont the way i deserve - i am dying but i cant force whats not there.

so this is good bye

While you're out racing my hearts breaking
You couldn't take a minute for me
For 4 days

Your lack of concerns is worse than any word you could say
Because completely acting as if I am non existence is like stabbing me over and over again and the pouring salt on me
It's pretty disgusting and unbelievable that I even associated with someone like this
You've done this before so why would I think you'd change
You haven't
I'm still do meaningless I ding even deserve a fucking phone call
I hate you too!

Asssss you assss mean mean ass! Your are a mean and I am too
Hah fucking hah ass fucking hole
Fuuuucccckkkkkkkkk you!

Fuck you fuck you fuck you I hate you fuck you oh and fuck off !!!!

I wrote you so many things of love and heart and soul feelings of depth within me and you completely ignored everything I expressed and gave to you
How could I ever love someone so malicious?
God only knows but I will live on and be glad I dodged that bullet
Wow
"when someone shows you who they are... Believe them the first time"
I apparently didn't want to believe it but you've given me nothing therefore I have no choice but to accept the fact that I never meant anything to you
I'm disgusted with myself and hope that this self loathing will dissappear the sooner you dissappear from my heart
Fuck you!

I would have left but you told me not to... You never had any intention of going... Wow how'd I miss that sign?
Asss

Sunset

When you see sunsets, do you think of me?

My heart is tired

My mind is weary

I feel as if I can barely breathe

The time has taken its toll on me and I am unsure if the road ahead is something I can meet

Death is a thought consuming

No light can seem to shine in

My soul is restless my body weakening and I am unsure that the next breath I take is in me

I have worked very hard not to intentionally hurt you however you continue to be intentionally distant, short and make it very apparent that I am not worth responding to.

You picked up the phone last night and all you said was "awesome dude, awesome" and hung up on me.

I honestly though you were alone and could talk  -  I was on my way home - you had only texted "8 night" 10 minutes prior.

Now I ask "what happened"and all you say..."sleeping"

does that mean you were sleeping last night and just hung up on me -- because you were too tired to be polite - or you are sleeping now.

I dont get you - I get that I am obviously not worth your time to communicate effectively - when I really was not trying to be mean in any way or hurt you or disrupt you intentionally....I was not trying to be a bad "friend" however you are being really hurtful.

I am very sorry once again

But I am even sorrier that I spend all this time thinking and worrying about you and you dont have the decency to even respond.

I'll be at the park at 11 Thursday
I'm not contacting you between now and then
hope I see you there

Awesome dude awesome
Ok
I thought u were ok and she was at softball a nnnn text would have sufficed
O well
Sorry wasn't on purpose

You are so mean to me
You really know how to get under my skin and infect me to my worst state on being
You don't acknowledge me
And ignore me
And make me think I did something wrong and then not even explain yourself or let me explain myself
You only allow me to contact you through writing as If I am incarcerated
It's fucked up
And cruel
And then you don't even write back
When I try and communicate
It's really cruel and fucked up
I am really hurt that you are intentionally being malicious
:(