How long does your phone have to charge? Seriously
Been waiting what feels like forever
I'm tired I'm probably going home and going to sleep

How long does your phone have to charge? Seriously
Been waiting what feels like forever
I'm tired I'm probably going home and going to sleep

Waiting for you to text to call
To reach for me
 In a house full of people but the heart is not full without your love
I know you love me but boy I could really use a phone call right now
But again I wait

I know you are surrounded by family and maybe friends and therefore you are filled up with that
Tonight for me so far I am not
We have plans to go to our friends bday NYE party but I just want to stay in bed
I can't I will never be forgiven
But all I want to do is sleep I'm sad
 I miss you 
It seems today is the end of one chapter beginning of a new 
Why aren't we together now embarking on a new adventure together
Tonight a kiss tonight to seal our promise of our hearts
It's all symbolic I suppose 
But it doesn't make me miss you less or stop the sadness which weighs my heart down without you
I'm tired and weary I want to sleep to forget the love I have which I cannot hold
Happy New Year my love 
I love you more than you know

I miss you
Sad you aren't here with me to ring in the New Year

I love you
Mamamamamadnesssss
Madness mad love
Love love love

Let's build a. Life together and plant flowers paint pictures and make rainbows from the tears we've cried
The pot of gold is in our hearts and life of love we shall reside

I'm thinking of you my beautiful soul mate
You are my true love
You fill me up
You make me feel things that warms my soul and life dreams of this life
When I hold your hands and your hand touch me. Love resides and expands into the universe
My love love love
I love love love you
I miss you all the time and can't wait til we are together all the time
Wake up to your beautiful eyes and heal and grow together
In love as we are meant to
I love you Ben
Love always your spirit wife
Mmmmm I want to taste your lips kiss your tongue and make love to you in my mind and let your hands make love to me with one touch one look be one as we are meant to be
Miss you love love

And you say you didn't know what was going on?
And couldn't call cuz u didn't know what was happening at home
You could have fuckinh came on here and communicate with me

You disregard me or maybe you just don't fuckinh care how Iau be feeling waiting for your call, waiting for you to one time want to see me first
Reach out for me... Miss me
How fucking stupid can I be

I don't know how I'm ging to do this but I gotta let this go,., I'm broken at home and broken by you
And you need to water your own grass
love will rise again
It's just a bad year for you and her
Happy New Year!

I can't take your lack of love for me and being second to her anymore
My heart is dying and the life you breathe into me when it's convenient for you isn't saving my life when I'm dying and you can't make time or want to take the time to love me

(and yeah I saw the fb pic of you and her at Baja...  You sure look happy)

Good for u!

I'm out
Are you coming with me?
I need to know are you going to be waiting on the other side?
Bad news never had good timing
Are you going with me??
I love you and know that you are the one I want to spend my life with
Tell me what are your true honest to the soul and core of your heart thoughts
Now is the time...
Now is the moment
Where I am going are you and if so when
My time in this has now confronted my being
What are you going to do?

Can't you talk?
I don't know what the fuck to do
He doesn't care or believe that it was a stupid thing at a bat
He can't believe I would kiss anyone joking or not
He said he wants to talk after the new year and not today on Christmas
I feel bad that he is so hurt
I just think this is the last straw
We haven't been good for awhile but now this is right in his face
Unforgivable
Wtf?
He doesn't care what I have to say he says I am
Probably out "sucking dick"
That's real fucking nice
Great
Real fuckinh great

Merry Christmas
I love you
... He saw the picture of us in my phone yesterday
Not good.....
I tried to act like it was some drunk thing one might at a bar and just a peck
He is posses and wants me out of the house first of the year

That's my news.., how bout u?
Ily

I fucked up dylmmtily?

I fucked up by breaking our agreement and you so obliged by texting back and answering my call

Now you aren't responding or caving with me so I can't be mad but I am sad just a little that you are so controlled to not be vulnerable and run to me as I do you. 

I guess it's always me making it happen I wonder if u will find me and go in search with true passion and desire or take me for granted

Time will tell 

And in time I must wait

I don't know why I am so negative when I speak with you... I think in short the truth is, is I am always left wanting more
We will always be unfinished business
And with that I feel out of control
This whole situation is out of our control
I like to feel in control and this love has taken me on a trip and journey in which I cannot comprehend
My world has been turned upside down and somehow I become negative in this experience of mas love which negates what love stands for
From the love to the madness the unexplainable I am not the same
Love is the flow of God passing through us and fear is the evil force which creates doubt
I have known for sure that you are love that saved me and now I know that you are love which may save me again even with you leaving me ... Wanting more
Some day I will understand the meaning of all of this meeting
Some day when I reach heavens gates I will understand that this love is something which is forming me into my future self
I believe that someday this love which entraps my fearful mind will set me free to love without fear
I feel like this love is a recreation from my past and I wonder of it is revisiting me to learn the things my young mind then could not comprehend
And maybe now my soul is ready to know that which I could not with him
I just don't know the explanation for this crazy love will I ever know
You said stay where you are in the safe place of always knowing... Is that what you want for me? Us?
The fear in me agrees the heart in me fights for the other
What is in your heart and mind ?

Word of Wisdon 12-13-12

1. If you want something you never had, you need to do something you have never done - Oprah

2. What would you do if you were not afraid?

3. only what you are not giving can be lacking in any situation - A Course in Miracles

So tell me ....

So tell me...
How do u feel?
It's only been a week but tell me how is it you feel so far?
I want to know truly how u feel and ur thoughts.
I have been feeling many things which I will share in time,
 but I want to know really what it is you feel and think in detail please.
Ummm... Yeah I miss you a lot and want to see you because when I see you it changes my world and right now I feel my world needs a changing ... Maybe maybe not...
Mmmmmmm

Don't look on here cuz youre bored lol
I love u

Imy!

IMYSFM!

I miss you so fucking much!
I torture myself by reading old texts, letters, notes, comments
But at the same time in this masochistic state I find pleasure in this pain.
Knowing the love I keep is is what you have given me.
And I know that the love I have given you is what I know I can be sure of - that I never left you questioning or having second thought that my love is absolutely true.
And even if you never come back I know you were never left wondering where I stand for you.
I miss you so fucking much and I am doing all I can to restrain myself from posting these notes...picking up the phone or anything to distract you from your mission of finding clarity and peace in your life decision.
I love you now and always.
SM

12-13 feeling

I wonder if you have an upset stomach...I am feeling yucky but not sure why maybe feeling you (random thought)

Willpower

Yesterday was hard really really hard and today I saw that you looked here and it made me feel good.
I think about you almost every moment and want to share my moments with youu.
It is taking will power not to post these messages and I gave decided with the guidance of a friend that in order to truly give you the space you need and be the friend you need then I should not contact you through this blog.
I miss your voice your face your hands your love!
I keep writing everyday and at some point as I see you popping on here to see if anything is new I'll publish my notes thru this separation and space.
I love you baby
Miss you like crazy! HASHTAG#MUSTHAVEWILLPOWER

1212

Ilyfb! I bet u do

You don't check me out look
At my Facebook
Blog life why
Why would you?
I'm sick and over it
I just don't think this is for me
You are fucking married and professing love on fb fucking barf
And then professing your love to me on this quiet hidden secret blog
Wow I feel really fucking special

Yah Not so Much

I was at peace...until....
NASCAR here you come - have fun!

Yah not so much....this is ridiculous...
I sometimes wish that I didn't have access to see your life and how you lead me and her on ....

But I am blind if I dont acknowledge it....

So my eyes are wide open, like Katy Perry I am "Wide Awake"

Doubting moment 12/11/12 - 12:57PM

So where was the card you got her?

There were 2 cards and yours not there…did u hurry and hide it before I arrived?

 UGH

You have another <3 you message ahhhh

And you use to not respond now you have since I am no longer on FB

Nice

Cant help but wonder the stories we both are hearing from you….

Professions of love until you can choose.

Whatever!

TOO MUCH

I MISS YOU TOO MUCH TODAY I CAN BARELY STAND IT.

FUCK –

HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GRAND DAY….AND FIGURING YOUR SHIT OUT

I AM JUST MISSING YOU

MAYBE YOU FOUND LOVE AND PEACE AGAIN…AT HOME

I WANT YOU HAPPY OVERALL….TRULY

BUT I FUCKING MISS YOU TOO MUCH

OH WELL!

Today is hard

Somehow knowing you have looked on here to see what I may have said or knowing you have something to say to me makes the day easier.
You haven't looked and so I miss you more
I don't want to miss you
I want to get thru 21 days and feel free from this desire to have you love me
I don't question your love but I am now in a our distance realizing how many times you were so unavailable to me and then I miss you less knowing I wasn't a priority and may never be
Distance makes you grow fonder or stronger
3 days down ...I will grow someway somehow and believe that God and angels are here with me as my army to fight sadness

The Alchemist

Hope you find that book and really read it before we reunite.
I think that when you take the time to read it - you will find clarity and be moved to understand our current position and make a decision that is true to who you are and your authentic self.
You have had the book 12 years......wowy
Nice :)

Love opens up doors

And as I awake this morning I am at peace, thinking of how just a day ago I was stressed out in how I would be able to see your face and kiss your lips before this separation.
And I remember that it all fell into place , timing, chores, alibis and our love found a way by itself and all the inner working and webs I tried to weave to connect to you, it was unnecessary as our love had already found the path for our lips to meet.
And as I look back at the beginning even then too our love had a blue print in the soul of the world that our earthly minds could never quite plan, to meet the week when you were not working and how the park was accessible to both of us with no restraints, fireworks and magic it only took a week and... our love knew that was all we needed ...actually one day really... but the week confirmed that first day was something more than just coffee.
The universe conspires for us everyday in every plan we have made and how we somehow are available to make it happen in days that seem impossible and the possible days become the hardest, maybe that's to show us when it feels the most difficult is when our love shows us how easy it can be.

Believe, and take no day for granted as the days that seem to be a given may be taken away from us right before our very eyes.

Love opens up the gates that are sealed with locks and chains and love sets us free to love one another as we are meant to.

Longing will strengthen our souls and the bond which has always been ours
And I know that with this faith, love opens up opportunity that we will be one in time again, time that will be of God and angels as we wish to be blessed.

I love you my darling and you live inside of me so I will look within when I cry and feel your whispers of love dry my tears.

Anxiety

I suddenly feel anxious naseaus and wonder if your soul is flittering in the wind to connect more so with mine as I feel your absence and it's sickening my core.
My love can feel you in light years and miles away your pain is my pain your happiness is my happiness your health is my health connected....
we must be good to ourselves otherwise we will destroy the one we love the most... Each other.

That Magic Moment - by Paulo Coehlo

And then he told us:
We have to take risks.
We can only truly understand the miracle of life when we let the unexpected manifest itself.
Every day – together with the sun – God gives us a moment in which it is possible to change everything that makes us unhappy.
Every day we try to pretend that we don’t realize that moment, that it doesn’t exist, that today is just the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if you pay attention, you can discover the magic instant.
It may be hiding at the moment when we put the key in the door in the morning, in the silence right after dinner, in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. This moment exists – a moment when all the strength of the stars passes through us and lets us work miracles.
Happiness is at times a blessing – but usually it’s a conquest. The magic instant helps us to change, drives us forward to seek our dreams. We shall suffer and go through quite a few difficult moments and face many a disappointment – but this is all transitory and inevitable, and eventually we shall feel proud of the marks left behind by the obstacles. In the future we will be able to look back with pride and faith.
Poor are those who are afraid of taking risks. Because maybe they are never disappointed, never disillusioned, never suffer like those who have a dream to pursue.
But when they look back – for we always look back – they will hear their heart saying: “What did you do with the miracles that God sowed for your days? What did you do with the talent that your Master entrusted to you? You buried it deep in a grave because you were afraid to lose it. So this is your inheritance: the certainty that you have wasted your life.”
Poor are those who hear these words. For then they will believe in miracles, but the magic instants of life will have already passed.

How it all began

Yes

ME - So I felt I guess overwhelmed inside today after meeting ... My friend said I suffer from PTSD hhmmmm

ME - Overwhelmed not in bad way just a lot of stuff in short time make sense ? Whatever sorry I am just jabbering on :)

ME - Ummm I domt mean to freak you out sorry and umm still call me next week :) otay?

YOU - Im driving so couldn't text my heart feels like someone filled it up im just sorry i waited 8 years i forgot how special you make me feel cant explain the feeling im having right how but its good

Oh how it all began......filled up your heart....and here we are....in this madness.....

My love love love

When I love -- -- --

When I love - I love with my whole heart and when I lose that love my whole heart breaks.

Its a strong muscle and has endured physical and emotional abuse for over 30 years...at what point will it just stop being subjected to the painful situations I put it in?

Maybe because, maybe, maybe just one day the pain will be a distant memory and love will be all that lives there.

One day....

The dreamer in me is still hopeful....

The realist knows that this is the last time I will subject myself to the pain that love has done to me.

Mediocricy

Its safe and enough....I have lived and known many types of loves and experienced loves that some can never even imagine...and for that -- I am done going in search for the one thing that can destroy my existence.

I am ok that we are done...I have to be because I can never feel like this again...although it was good to feel so alive - -the depression is too much to bear ever again.

He had that love and when he died he took it with him...and you walked in and he poured that love back into me to share with you .....

Why?

It was all for nothing...fooled again.

No Good

I haven't been a good friend to you - and I think I actually do mean what I said:

Love Reign Supreme...
if you can weather this storm with her...you may find that your Love Reign Supreme with her...and you find true happiness.

Anything worth having doesnt come easy....work for your marriage love.

I love you.

I have been an awful friend to you.

I am sorry.

I am NO GOOD for you ----- No Good.

"what is meant to be will be"

"what is meant to be will be"
So what this is after 8 years is what?
Does fate come to those that wait or do you have to go for what you desire for destiny to assist you?

You know the old saying:

"Even if you are on the right track you will get ran over if you just sit there"

Apparently we sat there too long...my heart is run over crippled mangled...dead.

more songs for u

"Grace is Gone" -Dave Matthews Band -

Breathe Me

by Sia

on Colour The Small One

Heartstopper

by Emiliana Torrini

on Fisherman's Woman

Your music will be right back…

Not Myself

by John Mayer

Remember

My mean words are a defense mechanism and definitely not from a loving place because I feel detroyed.
I want you to be happy - and you said you want me to be happy...when I am with you I am happy...and since I cant be with you - my happiness is misery.
So you cant have what you want..my happiness and neither can I
Remember you are a beautiful heart, a beautiful soul and deserve amazing extraordinary things and I love you and want that for you - so please delete from your memory the mean things I say to you - because you are beautiful to me.
And this was whatever it was -- some day we will know.

Love you beautiful man.
Always.

Numb

Drink until my heart cannot feel anymore
A goal to be numb and never feel what I view as love
My skewed version of love is that love has to hurt to be real....thats not love
Not love - my poor little girl heart thinks that... because he once broke my heart "my one true love"
But he didnt love me and neither do you
I will self destruct until my heart destructs that it can no longer beat
Because only then will I be free of this "love" that I long for that destroys my being.
Numb my heart with mean bitter thoughts and eventually it will close up that there will not even be a crack that "love" could seep in or out.
But the love I have had will live in the universe somewhere hidden away knowing that at one time...this cold soul loved once...even when it was not returned.

No more

All I know is this is painful  and ridiculous and honestly I am emotionally overdone

 I am up and down and nothing really changes…only periodically.

You still “love” me in limits and even when time is permitting – you still LIMIT it as make sure not to rock your boat at home and her….because I believe at some level you really have been going home and showing love and affection because you do not really want it over with her.

I am sick about us – this –  broken hearted again – you got a call and made sure you left promptly and then you promised to see me in the morning and completely “Forgot” “Oveslept” or whatever…..

Priority not = back burner yes

I am hurt beyond words..and although I love you I cant do this anymore.

My heart has been hurt too much and I cant

We should just call this what it is - over.

Work on your life and we will end this now in order to salvage what is left of my soul and I hope I can be whole again...over time I believe I will be.

Save your marriage and go in peace my friend.

Love you now and forever.

Remember me....

Maybe in 8 more years time and circumstances will change...wishing you love and above all happiness in your lifes journey.

Sorry

Sorry love for the loss of your little Betty... I love you and pray that comfort of angels wings come to you and your family and gives you peace in this time of sorrow. I wish I had better words or something to ease your worrisome mind and heavy hearts.
I love you and sorry is all I can say.

Nerd

You will love me til
The end of time only with blue jeans
It's a song nerd  love u

Blue Jeans.. I will love you til the end of time

Blue jeans, White shirt
Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn
It was like James Dean, for sure
You so fresh to death & sick as ca-cancer
You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop
But you fit me better than my favorite sweater, and I know
That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!

I will love you till the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine
Baby can you see through the tears?
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember
I will love you till the end of time

Big dreams, gangster
Said you had to leave to start your life over
I was like: "no please, stay here,"
We don't need no money we can make it all work
But he headed out on Sunday, said he'd come home Monday
I stayed up waitin', anticipatin' and pacin' but he was
Chasing paper
"Caught up in the game" that was the last I heard

I will love you till the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine
Baby can you see through the tears?
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember
I will love you till the end of time

You went out every night
And baby that's alright
I told you that no matter what you did I'd be by your side
Cause Ima ride or die
Whether you fail or fly
Well shit, at least you tried.
But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died
I told you I wanted more-but that not what I had in mind
I just want it like before
We were dancin' all night
Then they took you away- stole you out of my life
You just need to remember...

I will love you till the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine
Baby can you see through the tears?
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember
I will love you till the end of time

Lana Del Rey Blue Jeans lyrics found onhttp://www.directlyrics.com/lana-del-rey-blue-jeans-lyrics.html

LRS8

Listening to Oprah Radio and here I am working on us preparing and wanting to know how you are in a relationship

Are you open?

Do you feel like working hard and bringing home a paycheck defines you as a partner and is enough?

Do you remember bdays, anniversaries, special dates?

Or will everyday be as special as it is with one another?

I just want us to always be good…and not get to where we are now in our worlds

 just want you to know I don’t demand but I command that love reign supreme and as long as the love is ever present --- I believe our souls like trees from centuries past will stay intertwined and live in the soul of the universe…

I love you

My muse…………

LRS8

(Love Reign Supreme Infinitely)

Thank you

Thank you for being so attentive to me this week and showing me your love.
It means so much to me - and puts a smile in my heart and erases doubt that arises during our moments of chaos and inability to look in the eyes of love.

2gether

Thank you for your "mature" love
Together you can make me mature and I can teach you to be childlike
Awww what a beautiful balance.
Better together for sure.

I love u penguin

Remember

Remember above all ... I love you!

Remember

Remember above all ... I love you!

Eff it!

You haven't read this stuff really since fucking August!
You skip over and honestly maybe u just effin like to come here to a place where you can see that someone takes time to write for you!
Yes I am bitter now more n more resentful
Thinkin again n again how you fucking put me aside and don't make me important
Well fuck what do I expect? I am your mistress that's it " love" yeah right ! Really charming way to keep me hanging on!
Fuck this!
Hmmmm let me Think ummm yeah last week before thanksgiving I get off early and ask to see you and you know what? You left work early again for your friends And then
Wouldn't leave to come see me because you were too busy once again!
When we went to mesquite you fucking left me at 6 am why because you had to get there by 8 for what for her?! Oh yes shes the one you made a vow with... Not me wtf?! Who do I think I am?
I guess I am a fucking idiot with you that's only partial... How many times you fucking got off early or go out hunting late or whatever for whoever and I am last fucking choice
Im not doing this you are right I need to love me more and as long
As this is acceptable I show you that's it's ok to shit on me
I am fucking getting over you if it's the only thing I will to the universe I have to now because I feel like throwing up falling in love with you so much that I am waiting every effing day for you to say I am the one and you choose me
Guess what I choose myself
So go
Go help your buddy
Go race
Go hunt n hike and travel to great places with her and forget about me oh wait you do everyday every five minutes every text every phone call
And effort I make you forget about me and now it's me that must forget about you
I am amazing And worth more than What you give me in limits
I am love and deserve the love I give back and more!

WTF?!

The question is why do I bother?

I fucking try to let you go – I try to give you space – I try to love you right and make you feel so important

And in all my efforts I am disappointed- let me down again

Never should’ve fallen in love

Sometimes – I want to take your heart and break it – because without you my heart is broken and I want you to feel my pain so you want to save me.

But because you love me and my heart and care to care for it – but no…

Once again I am  your second choice

Being your back burner girl –

You cant commit to a show with me

But you get off work early to hunt, you take off weeks to race

Your buddy is here so you plan to hike hours on end although I make dates for us so we can spend time – but it is ALWAYS me planning lunch dates / meet ups / aren’t I?

Yeah – how sad!!

You do come through a lot but its always me trying to see you, making plans….

WHAT THE FUCK!!?!!??!?!??!?
WHY AM I NOT WORTH MAKING PLANS FOR WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!??!?!

Dying

Slowly dying
I wish for 10 minutes you could endure this - so you would understand this feeling
And as much as I would hate to see you go throught this - I feel like it is only then would you realize how my heaven can turn to hell in a matter of moments and my will to live can dissapate into a place and I only wish that God would take me from this fucking pain

So what?

So what if you forget about me? Then I wouldn't want to have you really because I wouldn't want to be with someone that could so easily.
I know I need to let this happen the space and time the distance the silence the break but I don't want to be without you
I know it's only been a few days but I really don't think I want to or can make this work
Maybe but maybe not
You have my heart and although I am sharing a house and bed here my heart and love is living in you and I believe that's where I belong is next to you with you a life of authentic romantic love you have My heart
And I love you
I want you to be happy if I can't be the one to make you happy it is ok
I need to really let you figure it out
But I fucking love you and miss you like crazy

:(

How are u so strong ?
I've called you twice and written you And texted I just don't want to life without you :(

Weak

Whatever is meant to be will work out perfectly just need to believe
I am weak today and checking to see if you gave checked here and you haven't
I believe yes you are stronger than me
I am weak missing you in sobriety
I find in my sober hours and moments is when I miss you the most
I think that's good and shows the truth of my feelings? Or is it when you are drunk your true emotions arise...
I like that I love and miss you without being intoxicated it means more to me that our love is imminent even in the morning sun
I am weak right now and do close to calling you but I know I need to respect us you this process and really allow you to give it an honest try without my interference although the little girl
in me wants to scream for my golden goose now!
But I must wait
Patience shall better me I hope
I love you and miss my soul mate
Weak in the sober hours
Time to drink

Missing love

One day down
one day is too many without you
The moon is out and I remember what you said
The light in the sky reminds me that I just need to inhale the air outside and somehow your breath whispers in the wind to my cheek and I feel your love
I send out  a kiss and I also believe it will  float to where you are and it remind you in your moments of dismay of the love that is in its truest form...absolute love exists
I love you more than words 
Happy Thanksgiving
Missing your eyes missing your love 

You m

Wide awake

Since 3am wide awake again :(

Really

Ive been saying "spirit wife" forever...and you just barely got it...
Dont you remmeber? I said remember she is your wife now and can make your life hell here...I on the other hand as your spirit wife can make it hell for eternity...so you better call me back! (haha)

Anyways, just goes the show you - I think you stopped really reading and appreciating my blog, love notes, poems, songs messages for you -its those little things, it makes me distant.

anyways...ilyfe
and one day when I am not just a phone call away maybe you will read all of these and listen to all the songs that sing to me of us....that I put together - for you...

all for you --

the break in opposite directions - will start soon...and if we are to meet in the culdesac de la corazon we will see...

It's time

"Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend your life with someone you can't live without."

"seeing is believing, but sometimes the realist things you can't see"

Think about that and really ponder that when making your choice.
The time is here.
No more back n forth it's really not good for either of us
Whatever your choice I love you ... My love is "maturing" I want you to be happy and sure about your choice same for me.
I'm not sure what the future will bring and there are no guarantees but I need to feel very secure that you are very sure about me if I'm the one
I don't want to be with you if you are on the fence and think for one second you want to go back to her.
Seriously

Love love love you
Really figure it out... It's time
Kaoaw
SM
It's time

7 months

7 months today
Crazy how time flies..
The roller coaster of our lives and the clearness of us is murky in all this whirlwind.
We kicked up some dust and became engulfed in the tornado, and what was clear as the sunshine through the clouds on a spring day, has become a bit of a dust storm swirling around like dirt from off road racing in the Baja desert.
Paulo once wrote that "a week is more than enough time to make a decision" and I see that he was true in those words.
As I have seen, the more weeks and seasons that pass, the clarity that had once befallen us as a gift of love and rescue... has now trapped us with fear of doing nothing at all.
So we sit and wait for the world to come to us again we continue to wait in the wings of time.
Because as we knew months ago, something this extraordinary may only come once and may pass us like the wind in autumn and the leaves that have fallen and blown away may take root somewhere else from our lack of movement.
Love you in the wind, the tornados and sunshine through the years, however to really hold that love I ponder the image, as it seems the longer we have waited the harder it is becoming to take flight with our untamed forbidden passionate love affair.

IMY

IMY already
The moon will save me tonight...when I am lonely
Knowing we are under the same sky I can sleep sound - I love you

Dove of Love

While you are out - please get a calling card
When you call from your cell there wont be a trace except for the 800 number you call thats the calling card number...well...if you can.
I love you
I saw your pic on PR site off to Baja - cute pic
I love you - love love
I want you happy - if you want to work on your life with her - lmk and I will give you the space babay
Missing you
LMK when I can call if you cant get a calling card yet
Have fun but not so much fun you forget about me - unless of course thats what you want ;)
Thank you for your love notes today...I love you bh -
lyc
future ch -
SM-Penguin-Dove of Love
Spirit wife -- KAO

LYLLAW

Love you love love always

My heart is in dissaray the journey has brought me to this place
I struggle between the then and now
And what I want and how
My committments to him have me torn in a place of sadness
The father of my child and his well being

I know you have got to find time that you can talk really
I guess I'll just see what time you actually make
Imy
You said you'd work on the truck n be able to text
What happened today
My phone died but I was looking forward to seeing something from u
Expect nothing=never be Disaapointed
Love uuuuuuuu
Wish I was with you

Bummer

I thought u were leaving at 6
No texts nada what happened love love?

Not if but when

My soul misses you
My ears miss your voice
My mouth misses your taste
My eyes miss your eyes
Mirror reflecting back at me I see you love me through your eyes
My body misses your embrace
And I know not if I know but when
When we embrace again we become one and we breathe easier with this incredible love and connection
Thank you for getting me and my thoughts on signs love and magic
Believing in us and adding beauty to my dreams and making them come true

Hi

So when are you leaving? Miss you this morning imagining our moments yesterday and hearing what you said in my head and what you will do to me when we are able to be together free love and filling me up with your love as I hold onto it as long as I can throughout the day.
Good stuff good visual love.
Write me a love letter
Talk to me thru this until you lose service
 I miss you 8
Ilyfetnaaw1000yrsmore

So mean

Meanest boy I know

Hung up on and ignored 

And rude to the core you change on a dime

Like that wheeeeeeewewww

You show me everyday in some slight way and my eyes are blinded by love .... Saddest girl in the world waiting for the unrequited love 

Time?

So how u doing on time? Want capriottis?

Signs

The 2s
The 3s
The meant to be's
Fireworks
Dragonflies
Pigeons
Peace and ecstacy
Penguins
Soul mates...Confirmation -- dont forget what we are trying to be

there is no other way

I love you ---------------

pigeon OMENS - TRUE LOVE - PEACE - FREE

Omens From the Animal Kingdom...The Messages of Dove and Pigeon

Contrary to popular belief, doves and pigeons are the same family, just slightly different species.  When one knows the family of Columbidae, of the order Columbiform, as I do, having lived with them for well over twenty years, one gets to know much about these wonderfully dear, sweet, noisy, and messy birds.

Ornithologically, people tend to just place the smaller breeds, such as the Mourning, White-Winged, and Inca, in the category of doves while the larger, such as the Rock, Homing, and Blue-Crowned, are spoken of as being pigeons.  I could go on about the scientific information regarding these delightful creatures of the air, but I won't just right now.

Omens connected with these powdery avians are often that of ill-omens; such as death coming to the house that they land on and miners would not enter a mine-shaft if they saw doves anywhere the opening.  On the other hand, they are also seen as good luck indicating that the soul of a deceased love from a past life has found you and is bringing you the love that you truly desire.  What a history of duality -- love and death.  They often do seem to go hand-in-hand, though.

To see these birds in dreams has many meanings: if several are seen on a tree limb and able to fly free, then unexpected happiness is said to be coming to the dreamer.  If a group of birds, any birds, are seen in a cage, though, unexpected happiness is still said to be coming, that the happiness will give the dreamer a feeling of being caged or trapped in the long run.  To kill either a dove or a pigeon, whether in a dream or in reality, does not bode well for the one who does the killing.  Serious financial worries will befall the person or the group.  If one sees this done, but doesn't participate, they will suffer the same fate financially if they don't somehow attempt to correct this miscarriage to the animal kingdom.

The message of dove and pigeon are something entirely different, though.  Their message and energy is that of Peace, returning to the home, nurturing to the young, and Love.  Their strongest times of the day are at sunrise and sunset when their coos and cries can be heard very well, if listened for, in cities and rural areas alike.  If one takes the time to listen to their songs, their voices, one will be able to tap into the true inner Peace of the soul's purpose along with the needs of those around them.  These birds are quite monogomous in their "marital" relationships and will often die if their mate is lost or killed.  They are a communal energy that indicate the need for solidarity and unity while having respect for the space of others.

Humanity could learn well the value of hearth and home if it took the time to watch a flock of pigeons or a grouping of doves.  Take a lesson from these soft, powdery bastions of Peace and allow their light to enter your soul.  Don't fear their presence because of the ignorance of superstition or the rhetoric of those who see them as nothing more than pests.  See the value in the dove and the pigeon and their meaning in the way of Mother Earth, Father Sky, and the Great Spirit; then allow that value to reveal to you your value here, as well.

An No --

I dont believe I am a flee-er of things  I believe in...I think I can get bored - yes - but I think if you are with the right person, and relationships, it is important to always remember what and why you love someone and keep it up with one another...
cant stop working on things when you get comfortable
And yes in 10 days I was head over hills madly crazily passionately deeply in love with you and ready to run away and start a life with you
In answer to your questions authentically...No if you were anyone else NO I wouldnt even consider such a thing so soon...but like I have said before and stand attest to still - I have always known you, loved you, not just in this life but from lifetimes before.
We have known each other for years and are bonded by one in heaven and I believe on earth you and my bond together is real...and that is why it is so strong now.
I love you.

Not Enough Time...And there is no, no song I could sing

Jack Johnson says it best.............I love you forever my penguin - may this song play in your head when you dream of us...........


There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, mmm, mmm

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together.

5.06

You

Only 2 Options here...

Okay – so I am going to have a quick venting session since I can’t put this in all of a text and you aren’t answering.

Last I spoke you were going to the doc and going to head back to work and call me, and meet me this evening.

Its been 2.5 hours and no text no call

I hope you are ok…

And if you are ok and just went home and didn’t call…Do me a favor don’t bother calling me tomorrow or ever again

If you are not ok and were admitted to the hospital…please disregard above statement and I love you and wish you well wishes and please update me ASAP!

Epiphany of my inner desire

Love letters pave the way to my heart and soul and heal the cracks of my heart.

Ok - maybe not....
cold turkey I guess because they dont have love chantix.

PS

PS - if you are worried about me - you may want to do more than just check my blog....dork
Or dont ...lol
glad thats the only reason you checked my blog not
Just admit you are missin me! ;)

Our fate -- again

Random:

I never get blocked calls accept from my realtor which I confirmed it was not her yesterday

And you got one which you never get except from me…which I did not call

Weird

My friend asked well then who do you think it was?

My automatic response: God

She says “Really?”

I say “ reminding us of each other”

Sounds about right don’t you think?

Numbers and Figures, fireworks….magic

Yep that sounds about right

(I promise I didn’t call yesterday – but love the coincidence for both of us)

And you say God is smarter than that and no need to remind - us ok how about the angels/cupid....maybe - maybe not
But i like to believe in the extraordinary....just sayin'

The fight

Only hours and a few days without you and I'm wondering what  am I fighting for?
He looks at me in the morning and greets me with a smile and sweeps all the dust and muck under the rug again and affirms that he loves me after the tumultuous nights
And I wonder if he looks at me as the person he enables to bring down and be a hero to in myself hatred
And he asks why I turn away and don't accept his advances because it's not good to ignore years of the lies that have put barriers in front of us that I haven't seen his eyes in years and he hasnt looked into my soul for half a decade
What am I fighting for
The only thing that matters anymore is this little soul we prayed for god to bring to us and now I go back on my previous commitments because I am not in love as I would hope
How selfish of me to walk away from a little boy who loves us more than all the worlds mnms and popcorn
So I suppose I fight for that boy as to never lose the light in his eyes no matter how blackened my soul is or cracked my heart becomes
Because it was my decision to promise a life of love to him and so I fight another day and fake it til I make it
Because the one I love may never come back to rescue me and I am too tired to save myself from this world I have created with the one that I share a bed

3:15am insomniac

And the cycle begins
I wake up from floating my soul was trying to fly and meet you in the night but I lay bdck down in my bed And sleep to only go back  into dreaming again of you
This time we are in my childhood home but I am a married adult staying with my parents
You sneak into my room and lay down with me
I kiss your face and tell you how I've missed you
You hold me and I whisper in your ear that I love you "I can feel it " " can you feel it"
( jjs and I use to say that) strange

We get into a little argument And you put your shoes on ready to leave but instead you lay with me and relish the moments and then my mom barges in after my BFF left the room to make a call to "cancel" her date with " the other man". ( I know she wasnt canceling " and my mom falls to her knees and tells me not to go to work I need to call in sick and we need to talk I cried and asked that she let you stay
And I go barreling thru the hallway to talk to you and then I woke shaken a nightmare
The thought of losing you, you leaving me is a nightmare
3:15am and the nightmares and dreams begin again
In this state of separation my subconscious and soul are reaching you in dreams and nightmares to feel your love
Now to try and sleep again
Insomnia is no good

random thought 2.03pm

You are overwhelmed and I am sorry for you and me
 in or out of your life doesnt serve me or you in this state of living.
I love you and hope you are happy
When you need a friend you know where I am - soul mates, best friends, connected through the souls of the earth...I love you and will do all that I can to be supportive of your choices, your needs and although it is not easy, love is love and love should not be only self serving....even though I can be so often.
love you BTH! Always

Whats the Point

This is like my place to be free. and free my thoughts and emotions and my tears that need to be written
whats the point you see it all and I only have pieces of you if you even care to see or respond to my thoughts...
whats the point.....
No point....
I am better off dissapearing into the abyss
of non existence
lives would forever be changed and for the better.........without my self destructive notions
But my son....he is the only one I fear for --- I need to be here for him................fake it til I make it although I am dead inside too.

Me

I wanna move far away
If I didnt have Ben I wouldnt stay here anymore....
all an illusion and I am tired of being unloved and unwanted and shamed I want a new life
Learn to be alone live alone die alone

Ilyfe

I love you
And hope u find peace and happiness
With or without me

Take care

I saw your response on my blog
I love you take time for you
for yourself
love yourself
be good to yourself
I love you and you need me to be out of your life to get good.
I will and I am here for you always
 I will try to ease up and really let you take care of you I love you always!
I dont think right now I am good for you, maybe one day but I think you are feeling pressure and its making you sick and coming out of your body through your ulcers your lethargy
your depression and anger
Take your vitamins...drink a lot of water....take nightly walks and get good.
I love you BH now and always.
I will miss you! But know that I carry a part of you inside of me.

Love love

Just thinking about you hovering over my body while I lay on
ny stomach and chest and feel you slide in and out of
me your hand around my neck in such a vulnerable state but feeling ecstasy and safety in this moment of pleasure.
I love you love love and will dream of our meeting again in the place we can call out home, the place I will rush from work to, to be seen in your eyes the feeling of love that moves planets and makes magic in our souls lighting darkness all around the universe and warming the cold places because the passion and fire in us saves souls.
Love you then now and thousands more
My soul mate my love my second half
I guess 95% is better than 50/50 ... I'll see you on the other side
Culdesac paths being laid out for us to travel
Meet you in the center of our one heart when we become the whole we have been missin
AbSOULute love
Muahhhh xoxoxo

You

You consume me...stop!

Thank you for your love

Never give up
On your dreams On us...
Our love is light and stars and moonlight
however to see this light we have known the dark side and shadows in the bliss
Dark days and some of the darkest  nights try to tell Me turn around and go back go back
To fear the unknown but in the unknown there is absolute knowing absolute truth that has opened our hearts that we can not go back
This love is real and worth exploring the love that many have never felt or dared to dream and you and I have the hearts path connected to walk soul in soul and face the darkness and our light will lead the way
Thank you love for believing in our love and reminding me of your heart that loves me unlike you have ever loved another
In that alone you give me strength  to face the darkest hour
And believe in us
I love you

Believe in Us

I didn't listen to my soul

I listened to my mind 

My heart can see

My head is blind

So here I live in a house 

And sleep  in a bed

With a heart that's empty 

My path mislead

Come from within

Or go without 

How true this is 

That I started this doubt

Now I sit in limbo 

Reassessing my situation 

Questioning why my heart 

Would not lead me to my destination

So I wait for your return 

To look into your soul

See if you had the epiphany 

That our love too is the goal

Reunite in the culdesac

That forms into a heart

The place where we belong

That we never should part

My soul was awakened

Upon our encounter

My mind was a savage 

Which tried to discount it

I am listening from the depths now

And trusting my intuition 

And believing my first instinct

That you are my completion

I felt it in your eyes

With one touch of your hand 

A simple kiss of your lips

Across all the lands 

Our love is part of the universe

The souls reincarnation

Our place of belonging

Our journey our destination

We loved a thousand years ago

We love still now today

Tomorrow forever

Infinitely all ways 

Our souls are blankets weaved together 

Across the universe in between dreams

This extraordinary love is magical

In which we always know and believe

The rational pessimists the mind which tried to fool my heart

I believe in this love and will not let anything pull us apart

.....love is blind....

I scream it out in eyes heart mind soul spirit and through my blog to my closest friends my dear... That my love for you runs deep and how I am willing to run to the ends of the earth for you. You have kept me your little secret and don't run out to meet me in the night or hide under a blanket to call me or send me a note of your love. You tell me what I want to hear when I beg to hear you say it... But it's authenticity is not screaming that you would run to the ends of the earth for me or that you'd risk your comfort or show the world the love you claim to have ... Love is blind because although i say this and see the truth...somehow I still want to believe you do love me... Actions speak volumes and  I am still waiting to see you act out your " absolute" love but I may never see it because that may be only for the home in which you dwell and rush home to every night and dare not leave to call me when you say you will... I'm a fool and again I made you another CD you will never listen to and write another letter you don't care to read. Awww what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and i gain strength in every crack of my heart and I will be able to lift the world to great heights with my insight.

Your thought on us?

What do you feel is the give and take with us?
I feel a lot that I give a lot and feel left needing and wanting more ....whats your thoughts on this?
Do you feel you give as much as you should and can? I dont mean this to be rude, I just want your honest opinion of what you feel you bring to this relationship and if it is in alignment with what i bring?
I have written you so many things here...and you have read like 2 things out of 20 in 2 weeks...I love to hear everything you say and write to me and when you dont have me on facebook any more and you cant really text me and barely respond to the texts or here...it makes me feel as if its really not valuable to you? Is this blog and communication of no value? If so then I wont waste my words assuming you will read it - if you dont like to..and only do it to pacify me.

----------longing ------

and you carry on - with your happy life and jealous you are off early and home with her and I am working and wont be seeing you until you are single...when?
"I am just trying to get through the day" he said
As everyday...you try and get through with no action in place and I wait


N
  E
    E
      D

          T
            O

                L

                   E

                      T

                           G OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Do you care?

Do you

Be clear -- what you want and it shall be

My Demise

I know you get busy - too busy to respond.
Life has you running in circles or you just dont care to bond
This break and separation ails me minute to minute
This life of mine I am living feels incomplete without you in it
Its obsessive its madness and  crazy love struck sick
Why in all the world was it you that my heart decided to pick
You call me on occasion and limit your words and time
Although in the beginning you assured me your heart was mine
You share a bed with another and I barely can speak her name
As I think of you with her puts me in a sense of shame
You tell me so sincerely that your love for me is more than real
Than why are you still sharing a home with her and ignoring how I feel
This is my demise, and I need to erase you from my mind
Because you are not fighting for us like I do everytime.

More Love from the Past

I want to feel you hold me

Kiss my neck and let the worries of the world be forgotten if only for that moment

Your hands clenched with mine as we walk side by side allowing us to dream about the possibilities and all we can achieve in the face of true love.

How my mind wanders and dreams of the day we can be together live in a place of love and freedom free to be all we are and free to love as we are meant to in this life

I imagine all these crazy things…this is what love stories are made of

Why songs are written

Lifetimes have passed and I am pretty sure you have been a part of them all

This life should not be one without us

4-23-2012

The moment we reunited…there was the feeling of familiarity as if no time had passed but so much had

There was a sort of feeling that left me outside of myself as I drove away, as if I was losing something, or something had been missing all my life

The need to go back and never leave has never left me since that Friday at the park

My mind is in a constant state of rearranging my life to make this work, how can we all be happy and no tears be shed

Thursday cant come fast enough and time is standing still

How my heart is now beating is so different from years ago and I wish not to go back to the days of just existing.

I feel alive…I feel alive…I feel inspired and alive.

Love – oh how I missed you.

10 days after we met.....my thoughts I had written down

This is the kind of stuff love songs are written for

This is the kind of stuff love stories are made of, the place where time and space are of no regard and hearts rule the universe

The magic happens and it shall remain because Maktub

You have swept me up and I am in this tunnel of love swirling me around continuously with each word you speak –

Its too easy how your words slide off your tongue and how it melts me to the core that its so good it cant be made up.

I can barely contain this feeling and want to shout “I am in love” from the tallest buildings in the world

“I am in crazy mad love that makes no sense at all – but its happening in me and I cant contain this.”

The secret love is not so secret – I am wearing it on my face, I am carrying the love all around me…everywhere I tread

Mysterious love – mysterious insights this feeling that I want to cry...cry tears of joy and sadness…sad that I have been missing this and sad that in order to have this love, I may hurt so many surrounding me.

Rumi

Love Love Love - remember me

LOML

Love of my life - do you read these?
I wish you could call me....I miss you too much already.
I hope you miss me more....I do.....
Love you

I will miss you

How do I find the good in good bye?
The love which has formed figure eights around the universe and solar system a thousand times...must be cut and thread together once again some day.
Will it be this life or another.
My heart cries for the world, the world will never know another love like ours and the universe is sad.
I wait for you, my soul knows you - my love for you is infinite and I will miss you.

COMMMEEEE ONN!!!

You called me one minute ago and now nada? WTH?!
come tonight!
or at 2am

ok...

Ok you are not a liar--- just have a hard time with follow thru - stop that and make me feel important - follow through and love me - when in doubt whip it out - dont just walk away from me.
I love you so much that I will stalk you down and tie you up before I let you leave LOL
haha
Love u!

Believe

When people show you who they are.... Believe them the first time.

You broke my heart twice
I took more than you gave and you were like a vampire sucking the light and life from me
With no regard you leave me breathless and in an almost lifeless state but still you do nothing to save me
You promised you would you promised you wouldn't hurts again empty promises
And I am the one who must endure the pain in your lies
Fuck off

Fool

Lies to my face right into my ear
Your follow thru record for me is unforgivable.
As the old adage says .... Fool me once, shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I wanted so badly to believe that this was real absolute
It's absolute alright... Absolutely foolish.
To put you on the level I did I must have been out of my mind that level existed once and died twelve years ago
You are a lesson in life that I am greatful for.
I am greatful that you showed me who you are and how I fit into your life before I left a life that dso graciously accepts and loves me even in my darkest hour.
Thank you for showing me now I will not be fooled again.
My heart may be broken right now but I will grow in light and love and rise above since it was never really anything but my imagination.
You'll call me tomorrow... Tomorrow never comes and you are a liar.
No thank you
Not real that's for sure

.....and

And a fool I was again you never really cared but I dared to believe in such a feeling because I wanted so badly to believe you loved me infinitely
however you said the things I wanted to hear for the sake of saving me...
Liar don't spare me with lies because your feeble attempts to pacify me is not saving anyone but yourself... To feel noble and grand when really you know you are dragging out the impending doom of truth you are delaying to impose upon me... That you never planned on leaving and our uniting was but a myth. I see through your words to your lack of movement and actionless persona.., words are so enticing but only lip service... No thank you .. No more

Day 3

I caved and drunk texted you last night. I missed you so much and not hearing your voice for over 24 hours is hard. I effed up texting... Sorry love. I am always thinking of you and dreaming of you in my day to day life.   Looking into your beautiful blue eyes which glow in light and love when locked with mine. You fill my life and i miss you... I am torturing myself I imagine by looking at your facebook intently over and over again... Seeing the posts I know that were for me in some way. Love you now tomorrow and forever.

Day 2

Varied thoughts on the separation under attempt... It seems that the connection is not severed as we have this social media in which we communicate passively may really be a hinderance to our objective.  Although I almost feel that it is a necessity to our soulful survival. I love you today as I did yesterday and although I waiver on leaving here.. I never waiver that you are the one I love and want to be with for my life. My waiver of leaving has nothing to do with love only reason and monetary accumulation of things...sad but true that is a lot of my current pros cons list. Of course the life and heart of my son are a factor as well and in the reason and monetary factors it is hugely associated. My ability to provide as I do in my current state may suffer but just writing this now I think how lame  to let that control your hearts desire. I just want him to be happy and I can fake it I imagine 15 years but what example of love would I be teaching him
When he is in search of a life partner if I sacrifice extraordinary love? Would he do the same for the sake of " stability" and " things"

Day 4

I caved on day 3 and still called you on Day 4 morning...which messes up the whole day. I waited for you during lunch and although thats the time that works for both of us...(me) not just your off time...you didnt call and blew me off when I called you. Annoyed, so instead of getting mad - I just texted you a pass not to call or text me as originally decided and with that - I will begin again to let you get the separation you have requested. I need to be respectful and let it go.I do know that I am a little insecure with you because I have been hurt from you before and to this day I doubt things when you are not into it like I am. Makes me question this...us...and me taking the chance for the sure thing...for what I believe is magic love. This magic love hurts me at times and makes me feel insecure, jealous at times and that cant be magic? No doubt passionate...but the always safe theory is not true...because I am so in love with you I cant be safe in that vulnerability...because I put my heart out there which could be crushed so easily.

Waiting -- on time -- Faith -- Love

Wating on Faith Time Love -- what will be - Decisions of two
Torn in half

I dont like who I am when I am not with you.
When I am with you I love me and who I am and the person I feel I can be.
Away from you I am neurotic, crazy, obsessive, nervous, longing, insecure and scared to lose you.

Actions

This is how its starting...not good...none of this.
I think we have given each other what we needed.
Love is love and love lingers on but some loves go away and arent meant to stay.

This is not for me...waiting to be loved, called, held, being 2nd to everything else.

No this isnt for me.

I will learn to live another day..and grow another day.
What doesnt kill you makes you stronger and I know that this was for a purpose whatever it was...but for something I am sure.

And I have faith that love comes in many forms and this was one that formed me to see what I am worth and willing to accept or not.

And love in limits is not a love at all....endless love, infinite love is all I will ever accept...nothing less ever again.

---

Dreams

To believe in a dream is to give hope to the world, and have faith that possibilities are endless and they are attainable...
But there are times like these where dreams are only but a perception from our imagination....and we need to see it as just that.
Waking up today I know that half of this year I was living in an alternate state of existence - a dream sequence of my life - which included love and passion, tears and heartache and I woke up today, from what was a beautiful nightmare.
A love that was brought to me by the grace of god and waking up from it is a nightmare...the dream is over and I cant go back...this love was only a dream that I hope fades from my memory as it is too painful to remember... this dream, in which a love I felt deeply was unattainable.
A love like grass that will grow through concrete...unstoppable...how childish, silly girl fairytales dont exist.

I see

I see you are not as happy as you used to be...

I am bringing you
Down

D
 O
  W
    N

And I am sorry that you came into my life that I damaged what you had, which was good enough.
And I....well...I demand too much and the one that shares my bed obliges.

Somehow the joy and love in your eyes has faded as I seem to be sucking the life from you which I once brought to your soul.
And I...well...I am living proof that the love in ones eyes can fade oh so quickly with dissapointments.

Sorry that I found you to be a person to portray a fairytale upon and pressured you into a love that may have not ever really been but a fantasy for both of us...and made you question what you had, which was good enough.
And I..well...I am a hypocrite - telling you actions speak louder than words.

I preached to you "faith in love" above all "faith in our souls" "love reign supreme" and you and I are "what dreams are made of"
And I..well..I doubted and self destructed what we were trying to be and I...well..I am sorry for ruining your life.

Listen....

Love will set you free from

The prisons in your mind

Have faith and no doubt

That love will come in time

The love that sets you free and lights up your eyes 

Will be your saving grace and ultimate prize

Be true to who you are be clear about what you want

Do not ignore the yearnings in your soul that haunt

Your soul knows the truth your purpose your dreams

So listen carefully 

Love Reign Supreme - Then & Now

Don't give up on what we are tryin to be..

Remember what brought us here was a calling within the depths of our core, soul heart.. Our souls desire, ideal for what you once called " love reign supreme",
the thing that awoke us to all the magic around every corner of every part of the universe around us. 

Something extraordinary bringing enlightenment, light, health and peace - in sobriety under a tree in the park on random tuesdays.

What we desired to bring to inspire us... the universe conspired to put it right in front of us.. as we wished. 

Our zombie like lives on auto pilot not being aware of the world inside us finally came to fruition and all the material life surrounding us became the illusion.

I think somewhere in the morning alarm clock sound and dinner time we have started to drift from the purpose, our ideal, absolute, free love, the map that has lead us back to eachother - twin souls... and now I am reminding you/us to be conscious of our thoughts, do not fall back into the zombie like state which will pull us apart ...our purpose be buried and try to make us fear what we know to be our destiny in life and love.

I just want to tell you I am trying to stay focused on what made us both happier than we had remembered being for years, the connection we know to be true with one touch, one glance, one kiss...
It was the connection to our inner beauty and belief that love like what we have is real and can and will conquer and it shall reign supreme - my absolute love - then and now Love Reign Supreme.

Wake up and remember who you are what you want, what makes you happy and what makes you feel alive... Don't fall back into zombie land ... That's where the real dark is because in that state you feel neither joy or pain but are just a creature walking the earth without real purpose - numb.

I love you. Thank you for coming into my life, my soul asked for you, and you answered one day via Internet connections and although I cannot see you thru that social media now -  I have always known you and believe in what we are tryin to be...

The magical force of what real love looks like and some people can only dream of, the love in which songs are written, the love that inspires me to write poetic creations, the love that charms me from your hands touching my skin, the love you can see in ones eyes without words.
I love you and believe in us. 

I miss you penguin.