I was thinking this morning, that many years ago when you were on Micah and we had an encounter...then you chose her and left me
and you are there with her after all these years....you chose to be with her...and completely abandoned me many years ago
I dont know what I am fighting for anymore
You arent fighting for "us" or me or anything...you just go on as if everything and nothing that we experienced together and the words you fed me....meant anything to you.
Over the past year you have pushed me repeatedly on the back burner and shown me how unimportant I really am and I am obviously trying to prove to you that I am worth something...maybe myself, that I am worth something....but I shouldnt be basing my self worth on someone who NEVER valued me or what I have to offer 9 years ago or even now.
I fucking love you and I wish I didnt ever fall for you...I suppose it was the connection of Jason that drew us together...it makes sense that he was the love of my life and you his best friend...your manarisms are similar and even the way you treat me is the same...like shit
Its as if I am trying to heal from that part of my life through you but I am a fool to suffer like that again, when I have a man in my life who loves and adores me and puts me first above all.....
I obviously am really screwed up - like a masochist, as if I havent already endured so much shit by the time I was 22 years old
I am repeating old patterns apparently because I havent learned.
You do not love me - you cannot love me -- this is not love
This is me wanting to be loved by you and asking you to "love me" and you oblige with words but your actions are not in line with your words...and so I long for it to prove something to myself and in this vortex I am not seeing the real truth
Its as if I want to know that what Jason and I had was supreme - because I feel so similar about you as I did him and now I want it to be real and be happy ever after with you because of how in love with you I feel as I did with him....
I have been blessed and cursed to be so in love with --- but i have been cursed because the ones I have loved in such a way could never love me in return.
Its not yours or his fault - you both are not built that way...and I have been given a gift of a beautiful life and someone who wants to take care of me and love me
and although at times I wish it were you that loved me in such a way - you dont - you cant and I need to walk away.
I will miss who I thought you were....but who you are is not who I have dreamt up in my fairytale world - you know that and I know that.....
its all a fantasy
that I lost myself in ---
May God come into me and you and release the demons that have been born in this wicked affair...
The sins of our hearts have destroyed a lot of my life and all I can do now is do whats right and try to fix this darkness which encompasses my life since we met.
So sad -- that I believed it was a Godsend but time is showing me that it was the Devil in disguise ruining our lives.
I will always love who I thought you were....he was beautiful,caring, charming, extraordinary, the one who believed love conquered all...my prince charming, to save me.....
I wont forget that "you" - that you inspired me .....
and I will forever love my true love in which at one moment in time - love reigned supreme....
A dream so magnificent -- I wont forget that feeling.
and you are there with her after all these years....you chose to be with her...and completely abandoned me many years ago
I dont know what I am fighting for anymore
You arent fighting for "us" or me or anything...you just go on as if everything and nothing that we experienced together and the words you fed me....meant anything to you.
Over the past year you have pushed me repeatedly on the back burner and shown me how unimportant I really am and I am obviously trying to prove to you that I am worth something...maybe myself, that I am worth something....but I shouldnt be basing my self worth on someone who NEVER valued me or what I have to offer 9 years ago or even now.
I fucking love you and I wish I didnt ever fall for you...I suppose it was the connection of Jason that drew us together...it makes sense that he was the love of my life and you his best friend...your manarisms are similar and even the way you treat me is the same...like shit
Its as if I am trying to heal from that part of my life through you but I am a fool to suffer like that again, when I have a man in my life who loves and adores me and puts me first above all.....
I obviously am really screwed up - like a masochist, as if I havent already endured so much shit by the time I was 22 years old
I am repeating old patterns apparently because I havent learned.
You do not love me - you cannot love me -- this is not love
This is me wanting to be loved by you and asking you to "love me" and you oblige with words but your actions are not in line with your words...and so I long for it to prove something to myself and in this vortex I am not seeing the real truth
Its as if I want to know that what Jason and I had was supreme - because I feel so similar about you as I did him and now I want it to be real and be happy ever after with you because of how in love with you I feel as I did with him....
I have been blessed and cursed to be so in love with --- but i have been cursed because the ones I have loved in such a way could never love me in return.
Its not yours or his fault - you both are not built that way...and I have been given a gift of a beautiful life and someone who wants to take care of me and love me
and although at times I wish it were you that loved me in such a way - you dont - you cant and I need to walk away.
I will miss who I thought you were....but who you are is not who I have dreamt up in my fairytale world - you know that and I know that.....
its all a fantasy
that I lost myself in ---
May God come into me and you and release the demons that have been born in this wicked affair...
The sins of our hearts have destroyed a lot of my life and all I can do now is do whats right and try to fix this darkness which encompasses my life since we met.
So sad -- that I believed it was a Godsend but time is showing me that it was the Devil in disguise ruining our lives.
I will always love who I thought you were....he was beautiful,caring, charming, extraordinary, the one who believed love conquered all...my prince charming, to save me.....
I wont forget that "you" - that you inspired me .....
and I will forever love my true love in which at one moment in time - love reigned supreme....
A dream so magnificent -- I wont forget that feeling.
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