I cant believe how sad I really am right now...you are not coming back and my heart dropped.

I wonder if you wonder like I do?
I wonder if you ponder like I do.
I imagine many things, circumstances and possibilities and then I realize that my imagination cant get the best of me, take the best of me.
I don't like feeling unwanted, my insecurites take over and I drive myself in circles with what ifs, and how abouts?
Why dont you look at me like before?
I wait for your cue and I wait again....my longing to be touched by you, held and kissed by you, saddens me, maddens me?
When will we meet again?

Sadness created by my own free will...I will deceive myself, create pain and will create the sadness in my heart
Oh how easy actions can take you to that place, of sadness, defeat and worry.

All I ask is for a little of your time,
Why do I bother, when I know your'e not mine
You look at me today as if yesterday didnt mean a thing
Today means more when you bear your ring
I will pretend, and befriend and let this all come to an end
Because I know the message you are trying to send

Feel

It seems that when my feelings get the best of me, I weaken, wither and then stand taller and stronger than I need to be, as to not feel.
Feelings are a sign of weakness in my eyes, when you feel, you are opening yourself up to get hurt.
I'd rather not hurt, I have hurt enought in this lifetime for three lifetimes.
So I shield, and stop everything as to not let it penetrate me, absorb my mind, my well being, but it does...it does and I weaken again.
Then I waiver and say to myself - go ahead and feel...and I do again.

Imagination

The days can be so long, when I am longing.
My nights can be so long when I cant sleep.
My dreams are unreachable and yet I still imagine that somehow I can make it happen.

How twisted my mind becomes, when I am consumed by my imagination.
How twisted I feel, for imagining what I imagine.
How twisted I can be when I want what I want.

I ponder many things, many dreams, many situations, and different outcomes.

Sliding doors, fate versus choice, destiny against determination.

Imagination.....dreams, delusion, trance, visions....back to reality.

The Want

I look into my sons eyes and tell him no, you cant have that...it is dangerous
Oh how persistent he is, and I ponder, is it our animalistic instinct to want what we cant have
What is the all consuming power of the forbidden ? To desire, fight and pursue the untouchable
Adam and Eve had it all, beauty, peace, serenity, however the satisfaction could not be met without the apple, the bite of the red delicious enticing apple, and then it was said sin was born

Control

So it begins again
A glance, a look, something to draw me in and today I say...no I will be the one in control
I will deny you as I have been denied internally
You smile and my heart skips a beat and I am in wonderment how I can become so consumed by your eyes
I want to be strong, in charge and not cave into you, your words and aloofness
I want to be in control
My thoughts evade me and I have a one track mind and today I want control to be able to multi-task and forget your presence....so I write

Fire with Fire

Bridges have been smoldering from a fire long ago
Honestly the water is drying out so slow
The only way to end this, is start a burning flame
Because we know no matter what it will never be the same

Kill fire with fire, Take liar for liar
Take word as stone, and we will live in separate homes

Apologies are like sand and they were blown by your wind
I will live and sorrow as you sit and grin
Family ties are broken and nothing can be saved
But know that I tried with all that I gave

A Place to Be Free

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This is my first blog, a place to be free. I use to write constantly, to allow my soul room to breathe to be free. A place in my notebooks where my words were releasing any part that needed to be free from guilt, love, sadness, hurt or any emotion that I may have had to release. I am now in a place where I don't have much privacy, a married woman with a child  and rarely time to feel freely without thinking of what is next on my to do....list my agenda. Today is the beginning of a place to be free. A place where my thoughts can roam, randomly, structured or however it may be....at last at last a place to be free.